White Out

Denver has been hit by a crazy amount of snow these past few days.  It started yesterday morning.  I woke up, ran the dogs outs and realized I would need to leave for work several minutes early.  I heated up the car, brushed abou 2 inches of snow off and eventually made my way to work.

This morning was worse. I woke up around 5 and leashed the dogs.  I made my way down the steps down to the parking lot, and Boone took a leap, landing in snow up to his shoulders in snow.  “Awww fuck.” I groaned.  Several inches of white powder filled the parking lot, covered the cars and made walking the dogs – interesting.

The snow hasn’t stopped all day.   It’s been coming down at a constant pace.  So, I took the opportunity and left wok early.  I am gonna catch shit from the guys tomorrow.  “You’re from Chicago. You should be used to this.”  I hear them saying. (They say that everytime it snows ” so, do you feel like you’re back home?”) 

I already gor a text fro Madride.  ‘Slacker’ he said, jokingly.  And yeah, I am.  I admitted  it.  And I have the perfect answer for them all tomorrow.

Today was the perfect snowday, I’ll tell them.  And once in a while, you need to just leave work early to go romp in the snow with the dogs.  You need to allow yourself that.  You gotta work to live, not live to work. 

So, while they idle away at work (and i do mean idle, there was nothing to do there today, half the crew couldn’t make it in) I will be having a glas of wine in front of my fire place, I’ll pull on a coat and more boots and go run around like an idiot on the tennis courts with the furballs, and I’ll appreciate the day a little more. 

I love Colorado.

SOTD

Dec 28 2008

So, you know how i mentioned, months ago now, that when things aren’t ’safe’ feeling for me I go underground?  I’ve been underground for the past few months.  It wasn’t until Marcus had asked if i’ve been writing that I really thought about it. 

And it’s not like i’m in a bad bad situation.  I live with a good family that has always been there for me and are easy to get along with.  But…(there is always a but, huh?)  I am living in their house and I don’t have a car yet, so I have to be driven to and from work.  I feel like  little kid.  And when you are used to being completely and totally independent, it’s a bit of a shock.

I daonb’t have y own apartment to make a mess or clean at my on whim, or a car to take off in whenever i need to get out.  And, coming from chicago, i don’t need a car, and i don’t mind walking, except i’m in the burbs.  Burbs aren’t really set up for walking around.  I can make it to  a grocery store and a tanning bed and a liquor store, but that is all.  And so, I have been relying on that liquor store a little hevily the past week.  ..It’s been 2 months of not having my life to myself, don’t judge.

So, unable to vent to my friends (i don’t like being on the phone around others, and some venting is just not going to be done in the present company) I was struck when marcus asked about my writing.  Of course, I can vent that way.  Let it out. 

The first time i heard the song by anna nalick, just breathe, it struck a cord when she sand that ahe had to get it all done on paper so it wouldn’t threaten the life it belongs to, i knew that’s why i wrote.  So, here it is.  My vent. Unfortunately, this is not an accurate portrayal of how i really feel out here.  I love it out here, and i will get to that at soe point, but today, I just wanted to yap a little.

SOTD

OCT 23

  I’ve been trying to get myself on a weekly writing schedule…obviously that hasn’t worked.  BUt This Monday was a little frustrating and i never got around to it after that.

   After that last fun Monday, I went and applied to everyplace out of town I possibly could.  And then my friend in denver sent me a job opening.  So, I pushed my resume there as well.  She text me the next day telling me to give her my resume so her dad could hand it in directly to the hiring manager.  So I did, but then never thought twice about it.   It’s not my luck for things to work out.  Not easily.  I’m nearly out of money and it would only be my life if notihng came of anything and I sat here for another 3 months broke and miserable. 

   As it were, my luck took a bit of a turn and Thursday afternoon, on my way to my brothers to help him paint his apt., Human Resources from theat job in Denver called.  I spoke with the lady and she set me up with a phone interview Friday.  Also, my brother handed me a job fair flyer for the bank he works at.  They are hirng and so he told me to check it out.

   So Friday was and event filled day.  The most action I have seen in a few weeks.  I went to the job fair and did a pre-liminary interview there; which I thought went well.  But again, I never seem to get the right feel since I don’t have a job.  Then I took the phone interview from Denver.  Whch again seemed to go extremely well.  Especially since he mentioned that they were oing to put together a package for me and to feed my dog well because he would like it out there.  (I had mentioned, when he asked if i had a lease or ties to anything that would hinder how quickly I could be out there, that I was only tied to my dog.  Never mentioned Kala was a girl, nor did I corrrect him)

    Of course the weekend dragged by as I waited to hopefully get confirmation of a job on Monday.  Monday I carried my phone with me everywhere I went, jumping or diving for it when ever it vibrated.  But to no avail.  I got no word monday and my spirits dropped.  I should have known better.  Things don’t happen like that for me.  I have to struggle and stress a bit more and find a job I won’t be happy with ust to make ends meet.  That’s what I was beginning to resign myself to.

   By late Tuesday everyone was texting or calling to ask me if i got it.  But i never got word till later that night.    HR called and talked with me and offered me the job.  I hesitated for about 30 seconds…it’s out in denver, i have to find someoone to watch my dog for a bit, How do i get out there, it’s another big move,…..before I accepted.   When I got off the phone I danced all around the house with the dog following like i was the pied piper. 

  Now i just had to tell mom.  I didn’t know how to.  She had wanted me home.  And she had been asking if i had heard from the bank job.  I felt guilty and a bit saddened.  I knew that she really did want me around.  And she was really hoping that I could get a job near here so I could be close.  So how was I going to tell her that I was leaving again?

   I didn’t have to.  Her boyfriend had come home the next day after I had called HR again to ask a few more questions i hadn’t even thought of the day before.  He looked at me and asked “sooooo?”    I told him I had accepted the job in denver but didn’t that I would tell mom later.  I wanted to tell her when she and I were alone cause I thought i mite cry a little or that maybe she’d get irrate, like she does sometimes.  I can deal better with people’s fluxes better when it’a one on one.

   However, her boyfriend told her before I arrived for dinner.  And by the time I got her alone that night she gave me an angry mother look.  I told her sheepishly that I had gotten a job…in denver.  And then she asked questions in an irritated voive and told me she didn’t like me keeping secrets and that its not right to ask someone not to tell her something.  I was irked.  I never asked him not to tell and it wasn’t his place to say anything to begin with.  Whatever.

    So it didn’t go how I wanted, it wasn’t necessarily something i hadn’t expected.  Mom, irritated with me.  Yeah, that was familiar.  And she said she was glad I had found a job and a place to move.  And she was glad she didn’t have to front for a car for me.  And she was glad the dog was leaving.  Nice ma.  Love you too.

   However, later, when she came back downstairs she seemed a bit more cheery.  Told me my aunt still had people out ther I could maybe contact and that I would probably have a real good time. 

     Eh.  Whatever.  The point of all this is, well, fly with your own wings.  People may not always like it or understand it. but do what makes you happy.  I would not have been happy to settle own yet in ohio.  I would not have been happy to repeat the routine-ish job at a bank.  It’s just not me.  I’m glad for this job ad this opportunity.  I’m hitting the road again.  Spreading my wings and trying something new.

SOTD

Sept 19 ‘08

     So…I didn’t get that job I wanted.  The job that would be my lively hood.  The job that would keep me in Chi-town.   When I read the thank-you-for-the-interview-it-was-nice-to-meet-you-but-we-gave-the-position-to-someone-else email I wanted to cry.  But I couldn’t.  My roommate was home and I always have a good front.  So, I wiped my eyes and told her in a laughing manner that I didn’t get the job. 

      She came around the corner and said “whelp…what are you going to do tonight then?  Not work.  So come drink.”

    I hesitated.  I wasn’t sure.  I thought that I would want to take the time alone to cry it off.  But my roomate didn’t hesitate.  She disappeared then came back around the corner with a jello shot and a beer.  We ate the shots and settled in to drink the beer. 

   A friend of mine dropped by around 6 30 and we went for a walk with my dog.  We walked and talked it over.  The leaving verse staying options.   Neither sounded better or worse or easier or harder than the other.  It was about an even-even decision, which had made it harder to decide. 

  “That was why I had left it to fate,” I explained as we walked.   “I had stamped out the basis of it all and fate would take the rest.  I had flat out stated if I get the job I stay, if I don’t I go.  So, I guess I go.  I guess I’m meant to be somewhere else.”  I shrugged.  “everything happens for a reason right?” 

   My friend just nodded.  We had been walking for over an hour and had sdiscussed everything we could before I ventured to tell her that I hadn’t gotten the job.  I wasn’t sure I wanted to tell her I was leaving.  It seemed that when I said it out loud, it was real…and that sucked.  But we had laughed at how hard things were and how we had been so happy to have even meager paying jobs. 

   But in the end, my friend seemed to think I was still weighing options and told me to let her know what I decided.  I didn’t feel like letting her know I had decided alread, so i let it ride.  

    My old roommate called me today and asked the same question.  I told her I was leaving.  She got a little snippy. “I can’t believe you’re leaving!  I can’t believe you are really going!! When are you going?”

       “in like a week and a half…”

        “REALLY?   So soon!   why?  Are your financials really that bad?  od, why can I do it and yoiu can’t?  I mean I’ve got 2 huge credit cards to pay off and stuff too.  Why can’t you keep up?”

    I didn’t have an answer for her.   Or, more truthfully, I did, but it wasn’t nice.  She was like a drone, going to work and taking care of the people.     I couldn’t serve 6 days a week and still be happy.  It would make me miserable.  And how can I enjoy life and my city when I’m miserable?  I couldn’t and I can’t be complacent.  I want to be happy.   So I didn’t say anything.

     She ranted for a few more seconds then stopped.  “I’m gonna miss you.”  she confided.  “Who am I gonna play mario party with?”

    “I’ll be back…..” I offered, really thinking I meant it for a second.  Then she reminded me that I prolly didn’t.

    “No you won’t.”  She stated flatly.  “you’ll go west.”

    I remembered then that she was probably right.  I would go west.  I wanted to get back to Cali.   I would hunker down for the winter, pay off some bills and credit cards, pay down my student loans, then take off for another place.  And i usually didn’t repeat.  I did chicago.  Painted the town red one summer then stayed a summer longer than expected. 

      I remembered something that i once told my wingman that she had spit back at me several times.  “If you ever have the chance to throw somebody’s words back at them, DO IT”    Jenn had always been that person that said ‘everything happens for a reason.’   So, not in a mean way, I recited those words to her.

     “Well, dude, everything happens for a reason huh?  Maybe there is a reason for this all.”  It was a verbal shrug.  She got it. 

    “oh yeah, yeah.  Well, ‘m sure things’ll work out.” 

   I was getting tired of this phone conversation. Especially since it was down to one-liners.

    “I gotta go babe. I need to get ready for work.  I’ll call you later.”

    “yeah hun.  Later.”

I hung up and sighed.  Everything happens for a reason I reminded myself.  I’m free to roam again. ….everything happens for a reason.   Now i just have to see what he fuck that reason is.

SOTD

sept 14 ‘08

“My life is a disaster,” I groaned over my cell phone as I stared at the lake that was now in the intersection of Cicero and Crawford; a result of the hurricane Ike.  “i’m like Ike,” I realized.  “Instead of ‘I wanna be like Mike’  I’m like Ike.   A completely natural disaster.  I have all the componenets to make up good stuff…air to spread pollen and help germination, water to help growth and provide drinking water…except it’s all just in a whirlwind that destroys all things.  I-”

“stop.”  Joe interuppted my grovelling.  “your life is not a disaster.  Turn around and go back to the other road you were just on.”

I was trying to get my former car back to my friend in the burbs, but the non-stop rain from the past weekend had left I-57 shut down and 90/94 shrunken down to one lane.  Random floodings such as the one I was just staring at, blocked off other roads.  You would be driving and then just come upon a huge road block or massive puddle/lake in the road.

I had been in ohio for a wedding I wasn’t sure I was happy had happened.  But that was a story in itself.  I was back in chicago now, having rushed back so I could make it to a second interview for a job I desperately wanted/needed.   I was frustrated and tired and extremely anxious.   But I couldn’t do anything about it.  I had made a decision and now it was just a waiting game.  If i got this job, I would scramble and find a new apt before I had to be ot of the old one, and stay in chicago.  If I didn’t get this job, I would move back to Ohio, and get my feet back under me.  Save up some money, get myself out of some debt, and then figure out my next adventure.

A friend from home laughed at me.  She knew I was in a helpless spot and had no control over the outcomeand how much that killed me.  It did.  But still, what could I do?

SOTD

“

“I don’t know joseph,” I said souding exhasperated. “I just don’t know what im doin with my life, ya know?”

“i hear you kimmy.”

“like really, i’m about to just rol a die….like, one will be alaska, two can be cali, three will be texas, four; south korea, five; home, and six will be stay here. That’s about where i am right now.”

He laughs on his end of the phone, then he runs with me.

“you could do a lotter.” he offeres. I appreciate the people in my life that don’t always point out that i’m erratic. The ones that do someties run with my insanity and play along.

“A lottery?”

“yeah. Figure out the percentges, write them down that many times, and then throw them in a hat. What ever you pick out, go with.”

I’m silent as i try to picture what he means. He jumps in to help.

“so, here. Let’s say, Alaska is what? Maybe 5%. That the chance of you really wanting to do it is 5%?”

I concur.

“ok. so you write five alaskas and put it in the hat. Staying here in chicago is 30%?”

I agree.

“so then you write chicago 30 times and put those in the hat…”

I’m still a little confused. “so i write 30 things i like about chicago….?”

“no no no. You just write chicago on 30 pieces of paper. You write alaska on 5 pieces paper. You do the till you have 100 pieces of paper, or 100% representation, and ten draw out a paper and that is your answer.”

I get it now. I assign a percentage to each of my crazy destinations depending on how much i acualy want to do it, till i have a full 100% , then i write that percentage number on that many pieces of paper and drop them ll in a hat. So there would be 5 pieces of paper with alaska on it. I got i.

Joe muses a minute. ” i suppose you could just do 10 pieces of paper….it’d be the same thing really…(he throes in the statistcal term for it….standard deviation or something). But of course, i wouldn’t do this at all. It’s my life i’m talking about”

I hear him say that but i don’t really register it. “no! no i want to do all one hundred. This is y life. It’s importnant. I want it to be as accurate as possible.” (as if drawing words out of a hat is an accurae representation of life)

I get all excited. “ok jo ei gotta go! I gotta go do this. I’ll call you back.”

he laughs again and then lets me off the phone, telling me to call him when i have my answer. I promise to. We hang up and i dash out of my room and grab my new Sox hat. My roommate looks over at me.

“I need paper.” i xclaim. “I’ve figured out how i’m going to figure out my life!” i relate the idea to her and she ponders it for a moment. I watch her nervously, worried that she is going to say it’s silly. ” I was thinking of rolling the dice.” I offer, in case my idea is better than joe’s i want her to know I had my own good thoughts.

She nods in thought. Wel ok,” she begins. “how about this..”

“yes?” i look at her eaerly, with pen and notebook now in hand, and i perch myself in the armrest of the couch, ready to jot down notes, or the percentages she helps me come up with.

“Tell me about Cali”

“well, i got a friend out there that i could crash with.  but for only a little bit.  and i don’t know about the jobs out there -”

She interrupts before I finish.  “no.  I’m not liking cali…it’s a big move.  It’s an expensive move and its not n e cheaper to live there than here really.  Let’s cross off cali.  What’s this alaska thing.”

I explain i have a friend living and working up there.  He has an extra bedroom that he has willingly offered to me.  And he says there are job, jobs, jobs, lots of jobs.  but that whenever i look for one there, i don’t really see much.

She thinks about this, then asks about what id do if i stayed here.  Would i get another roommate or move to another apt.

i tell her i’d like a place of my own.  And i explain that i was really hit with the fact that sara has a two bedrrom place, with lots of space and a big back yard for just 500 a month.  I’m tired of paying 800 a month plus utilities for a box and no yard.  I want a place with space and a yad and to get what i want i ave to mov farther out of the city..or at least farther from the loop and downtown than i want.  I ddn’t move to chicago to live in the burbs or 30 min from the loop.  I minus wel move home if i want to live in the burbs.

She laughs and says she sooo gets where i am.  She is tired of chicago as well.  We’ve both been here two years and it’s kinda like, ok , been there done that.  Love the city and all, but there r other places to see.

she speaks alot of what i have been thinking of the city and i listen, relaxing and breathing more easy, since she does seem to get where i am.

“ok, i think home is your best bet.”

I cock my head, asking why she thinks that.

“well, itd give you a chance to regrou, like you say.  And see family.  And u stay at home, get your money in order, get a barjob _”

I cut her off right there.  “nah ah ah.  I coulnd’t do that”

It’s here time to tilt her head.

“bartending is cool and fun when you’re somewhere esle.  At least you r out living life and having fun and seeing things.  But if i go home, i know people from highschool and kids i grew up with, and if they come in it’s like ‘hey, what r u up to these days…..bartending?’  with that tone of voice…”

She nods.  “oh yeah.”  she gets what i’m saying.  She knows how itd be.

“well, what about this texas thing then.  What about your friend there.  Would she let you stay with her for a while?”

“yeah, absolutely”

“ok…OK!”  she ssit up straight in her excitement.  “ok this is hat you should do..Move al your things home.  You know.  Get all your stuff back to your moms, get some money under you the last few weeks we are here.  Then,  take about two weeks to fly down to texas, stay with your friend, and look for jobs.  If you find one, then you can move down there.  Get your stuff and drive down, or if you don’t need alot just fly.  Or, if it doean’t work out down there, then you just go back home, no worse off.  You just fucked around for two weeks, that’s all.  no big deal.”

Her eyes shine with brilliance, and from the weed.  I smile.

“yeah!!  That works great.  That’s a great idea.  It’s about perfect. “

She stands up to get ready for work.  “it’s just my opinion.  I think it sounds great too, but i’m stoned, so who knows.  But, i really think that’s your best bet.”

I agree as well.  I love the idea.   It seems like the perfect solution.  I walk easier for a few hours, feeling a huge weight lfted from my shoulders.

Then i tell the wonderful idea to my friend who is convinced that i don’t have bad luck.

“that’s a stupid idea.”  He says flatly, crushing my peace.  “In fact that’s a horrible idea….”

My anger flares at him.  All ideas that dont have staying in chicago as the basis are horrible to him.  Sometimes i don’t know why i tell him my plans because i know it’ll just lead to him saying its dumb and me defending it and it’ll just be a pointless circle that leaves me more exhausted than before.

I hold onto my idea, andreas idea.  it gave me peace of mind.  It made me happy.  I liked it.  And i know arguing with him is pointless.  When it comes to the time, i’ll make the jump no matter what.  Usually without a word.  I smile a devilish grin in my head.  Maybe next time he calls, i’ll be answering the phone next to the pool at my mom’s, drink in hand, sun on my body, dog by my side enjoying the big yard, and i will be loving life.

bad idea.  Psh.  He can ick my ass with his ‘bad idea’ talks

”

SOTD

so that friend of mine continues to insist that i don’t have bad luck.  However, i’m pretty certain I do.  Last week I helped a friend of mine move to Texas.  Doing so,  I missed my call in day for my unemployment.  So, now i am Totally broke, except for the bar job.  Which helps, for sure.  But it is alot harder to make rent and bills with out the UE.   Then, when i got back, my computer died.  So now easy access to the internet to find another 9-5 job.  And if that wasn’t the peak, wen i tried to call on my next available date for UE, I was told I had to refile all over again.  So, hopefully I will receive the rest of my UE so i can survive.

But (there is always a ‘but’, or an ‘also’, or an ‘on top of that’ with me)  my lease is up at the end of Sept.  My roommate is jumping to Orlando where she is taking another bar job and living with close friends of hers.  I….don’t know what I am doing.  I think ive given up on the teach in South Korea job.  Its too hard to get my dog over there.  And although I have had people offer to watche her for me for a year, my dog would never forgive me for giving her up like that;  she’s alot like a cat.

  I have the Texas option.  Move in with my friend and sleep on her couch for a few weeks.  But that would just mean another bar job for a while and more uncerainty.

   Here’s is where i have started leaning though the last week or two.  Home.  They say you can never go home, and i refused to for as long as I could….that’s a lie.  I could still refuse.  I could still go to texas or cali or south korea.  But i’m tired at the moment.  Tired of going week to week.  Tired of missing my mom and brothers.  Tired of not having my close friends, the ones who really know me, right within a 5 min drive.  I need to regroup. 

   Everything needs to be refueled.  Cars need their tanks refilled; batteries need to be recharged;  circuits need to be reset.   Ive been go-go-go for about 4 years, longer if you count college, and i am about burnt out.  I need to go back to my home place, sit by my moms pool for a few weeks and breath.  Ive been screaming for a breathe for the past few months and i really think i am on the verge of making that jump home.   Then we will see where i get to jump after a rest.

SOTD

rockk star Sigh.

I ranted last night to my friend that i have decided that i have the worst luck.  he laughed the calmly stated that i didnt have bad luck, I-

I didn’t let him finish.  “dont have bad luck! what would you  call the past 6 months? and the finger?  I lose my apt, my job the dogs get hit and now my finger!” my voice rose and squeaked with emotion, finally giving out on the word finger.

He laughed again and then sympathetically (but still with that undertone of humor in his voice) reasoned that yes, that sucked, but it was just a bad run.  Things were going to get better.

And, i would have loved to tell him that he was wrong this morning….but i dropped my phone in a puddle….because i couldnt manuever it safelt into my pocket with my swollen stupid finger.

This is not really what i had envisioned my life being at 26.  I really thoguth id was going to b a successful busy city career woman.  I was on track to be either a lawyer or a vet and then life got in the way.  Choices were made and hands were thrown up, and here  am. 

And still, im not ready to complain about it.  Its frustrating sometimes, and stressful, but i always have stories for people.  When ever i ask my friendsfrom home who have those lifes i had previously envisioned what they are up to, or what’s new, they kinda grunt and say ‘oh not much.  work has been busy and i havent had time to get away.  im a little tired and a bit bored.  what about you.’

And that’s when i take a deep breath and ramble in to all the things that have happened.  Of course, by the time i’m telling them these stories, i have perfected the edge of insanty in my voice, and i have completely gotten down the perfect times to slow the story or take a breath for reflective pause.  I always get the laughs i want.  (the need for this attention i blame on being the middle child; middle child syndrome..)

so, i guess even though my life is a  mess, i always have something going on.  It keeps me on my toes and keeps my intrigued.  I’m not ready for that other life yet i  guess.  But believe me, when i get the chance to settle down, I am going to really appreciate it. 

 I will happily snuggle down inot a plush couch by the fire place, kiss my boyfriend goodevening, tell kala and her new sibling (i will have another dog one of these days) how my day at work was, call my mom and brothers to let them know im sitting at home doing nothing, and then go to bed at sometime around 1 Am (that still being an early bedtime for me) 

rock star When friends ask me what ive been up to, i will answer without that typical drone, that have been up to absolutely nothing.  that my life has been reassuringly routine.

SOTD

So, a good friend of mine has been trying to help me find a job here in chicago.  And i have really appreciated it, i have.  But i dont know if its my throbbing finger or the fact that im just frustrated with everything, but i have been snappy and irate with him.   He’ll call and try to set something up and I just kinda say ’fine. whatever.’

There r times when im ok.  When i put on my game face and enjoy the moment.  When i still like being in the city.  But then when he callls and starts talking jobs and interviews, i get annoyed again.  I remember where my life is at this moment.   And it sucks.    But its nice of him to try and help.   

I guess the thing im really hoping for is this South Korea job to come through.  I know its a bit fantastic, but itd be something.  Something id need right now.  And if i do get it, things will happen fast.  I will be leaving in October.  Which would be good, because id have very little time to get scared and back out.  

I find out tuesday, but till then, Im going to enjoy my time here.  I really love this city, im just not having a good time right now.  Ill be back to it at some point, juts not now.

SOTD

Standbyme    They say every member of a disfunctional family has a purpose.  i know growing up i learned that a scapegooat is one of those positions.  I only remembered that because i was a good scapegoat.  There was also the fixer.  That wasnt the technical term, but there was that person that always tried to fix things and make things run smooth.  I was that person as well.  I didnt mind taking the blame as long as it made things quiet. 

Well, now i have a new disfuntional family.  But this one is different.  Its not the conventional disfunctional.  In fact, its a very functional disfunctional family.  We are a group of drinking, out of college, but not really employed kids.  We are 20-something, living in an expensive, fun-filled city, with random jos that pay rent, bills and a few nights out.  We dont have 401-K plans or retirement and our savings accounts (if we even have one) dont hold much.   However, i like this new family.

I joined this family when i moved in with my roommate.  And working solely at the bar helps.  But this family of mine drinks till all hours of the night and sleeps in till at least 11 am, but more typically around noon.  We have weekdays off where we roam the beaches, the streets, the stores and , of course, other bars.  We get wasted and cashed completely, and roll out of bed with only a trace of a hangover since we are bar kids and our tolerance is ridiculously high.  

But, there is little doubt we have a family resemblance.  We have the asshole, who, when some girl asks him for a light and he sks in return if he can have a hit, snatches the cigarette out of the girls mouth and walks away with it entirely when she sneers in response ” a hit? what? are you Jewish?” …..he is.

We have the sibling rivalry.  Two of our guys are both great at basketball.  The other day they were playing basketball and went heads up against each other.  It fired up to heated words and a bit of a standoff that only ended because it was too hot for n e other physical activity other than to finish the game.

However, its not just the bad in this new pride of mine.  We have truly familiar moments.  When my dog got hit, I was stuck at work, texting back and forth with my roommate, getting the info and letting her know what i needed.  That night some of the guys came in and the one who is sposed to be an asshole  asked me what was up.  I casually told him (as if it was no big deal) that my dog had got hit by a car.  He nodded and told me he knew, he had heard through the rest of the group, and he gave me a hug.  This was when i was still on the outskirts of the family, and it was actually a very appreciated hug.  Im not big on physical closeness, it actually makes me uncomfortable most times, but that night i welcomed it; i needed it.

We also have sports day.  Yesterday afternoon, 5 of us and three dogs headed out to OZ park.  we met up with two others and proceeded to play tennis, a baseball game, soccer and basketball.  The big thing about sports day for me though was the feeling of being part of a group again.  Of having a new pack to run with.  I had almost forgotten how much I missed that.

But it’s not all games.  We take care of each other too.  My roommate has come home before in tears.  She sat outside with her dog for about 15 min crying and then came in and flopped on the couch sobbing.  Its hard not to hear n e thing in this apt and so i heard her and woke up.  I was exhausted and had just wanted a long nights sleep, but instead i went out to the living and had a good three hour talk with her.  I’m not typically good at stuff like that, but i guess i was good at it for that night. Granted, she was wasted and i was sober, but still, it seemed to help her. 

My roommate on the flip side is a nurturer.  When drunk mostly, she wants to talk about things.  She’s been very open about her family history, but i never talk about mine.  She always tells me though that if i need to talk, she’s there; and that i dont always need to try and take care of stuff on my own; people are there to help and stand by me.   She really does mean it and i am tempted to let her in; but eh, I just dont know how to.

It’s not just my roommate and i though.  The hug from the dog situation is one example.  But, collectively, we work together as well.  And not just our little sports day group; all of us bar kids stick together as an extended family.  They act as the aunts and uncles and weird thrid cousins….twice removed, in some cases.

The other day i slammed my finger in a fence while playing tennis.  It has since swelled to twice its size and the nail has turned a disgusting shade of purple-black.  I worked today and everyone was asking about it and more concerned about it than i was.  At one point there were three bar kids and two regulars standing around me debating how i should take care of it. 

Popular opinion was that i needed to relieve the pressure under the nail by drilling a whole through the middle of it…needless to say i wasnt really up for that.  It sounded more painful than just letting my body handle it as it desired…fnger falling off or whatever.  Survival of the fittest, i explained.  If my finger falls off or i die of an infection, my genes just werent fit to be passed on.  Humans should allow for that more often.  I really think we need to cull the heard sometimes.

However, after getting a few nurses opinions, i decided that maybe id at least try it.  Maybe it could stop the horrible throbbing.  So i sat down at the bar and grabbed a safety pin.  When i realized i couldnt do it myself, one of the other girls took up drilling the hole while  another  graciously fed me shots of jameson till i was pretty damn drunk. 

 When my drill expert had a table sit down, my tennis partner took her place, instituting a different policy; instead of gently driling, he just applied pressure to the needle till i jumped and yelped, signaling that he had made it through the nail to the skin.  Then he ran his fingers along mine, squeezing, and pushing blood through the needle hole.

I sat there, taking it as long as I could then stood up, light headed and weak kneed, thanking them all for the help and the shots, and announed i was going home before i passed out.

At home my roommate continued the care, having me sit down, calling a doctor on my behalf for advice, feeding me another shot, a tylonal and a beer, and fixing a glass full of ice and strictly advising me to keep my finger in it.  she also forbade me to go out to the club with her tonight, due to the fact that i was close enough to pass-out-drunk already and really didn’t need more.

But, n e way.  Long story still fairly long, a family is what u make it.  This making this theory has a long history, and is not something im going to yap about, but just in case u urself r missing family, or ur biological family isnt want u hoped for…family is what u make it.  Its all around u.  And maybe its cause im still a bit cashed on the jamo, but i needed to let all that out.  Needed to appreciate my new pack.   That’s all.  Just sayin….