SOTD

Oct 26

   So ok, it’s not monday yet, but to hell with that.  I’ve been in a weird state of disbelief about this job and moving to denver since it began, and now that it’s only 4 days away, i’m still feeling weird. 

   I’m excited.  But nervous as hell.  Everyone wants to see me before igo.  As if i’m dying.  It’s odd.  And it’s not as if I won’t call them once i’m out there. People r weird.

   I gave up my dog to a friend today.  Hhe’s watching her for a few weeks till I gt my own apt out there.  It’s weird, but i really iss her already.  I came back to my mom’s expecting my pup to be waiting for me and all happy when I walked in oor.  Even as I sit here checking emails and stuff, I expect her to come walking in and curl up on the couch next to me.  I like her companionship.  I’m weird.

      And that’s all I have for tonight.  Weird, huh?

SOTD

OCT 23

  I’ve been trying to get myself on a weekly writing schedule…obviously that hasn’t worked.  BUt This Monday was a little frustrating and i never got around to it after that.

   After that last fun Monday, I went and applied to everyplace out of town I possibly could.  And then my friend in denver sent me a job opening.  So, I pushed my resume there as well.  She text me the next day telling me to give her my resume so her dad could hand it in directly to the hiring manager.  So I did, but then never thought twice about it.   It’s not my luck for things to work out.  Not easily.  I’m nearly out of money and it would only be my life if notihng came of anything and I sat here for another 3 months broke and miserable. 

   As it were, my luck took a bit of a turn and Thursday afternoon, on my way to my brothers to help him paint his apt., Human Resources from theat job in Denver called.  I spoke with the lady and she set me up with a phone interview Friday.  Also, my brother handed me a job fair flyer for the bank he works at.  They are hirng and so he told me to check it out.

   So Friday was and event filled day.  The most action I have seen in a few weeks.  I went to the job fair and did a pre-liminary interview there; which I thought went well.  But again, I never seem to get the right feel since I don’t have a job.  Then I took the phone interview from Denver.  Whch again seemed to go extremely well.  Especially since he mentioned that they were oing to put together a package for me and to feed my dog well because he would like it out there.  (I had mentioned, when he asked if i had a lease or ties to anything that would hinder how quickly I could be out there, that I was only tied to my dog.  Never mentioned Kala was a girl, nor did I corrrect him)

    Of course the weekend dragged by as I waited to hopefully get confirmation of a job on Monday.  Monday I carried my phone with me everywhere I went, jumping or diving for it when ever it vibrated.  But to no avail.  I got no word monday and my spirits dropped.  I should have known better.  Things don’t happen like that for me.  I have to struggle and stress a bit more and find a job I won’t be happy with ust to make ends meet.  That’s what I was beginning to resign myself to.

   By late Tuesday everyone was texting or calling to ask me if i got it.  But i never got word till later that night.    HR called and talked with me and offered me the job.  I hesitated for about 30 seconds…it’s out in denver, i have to find someoone to watch my dog for a bit, How do i get out there, it’s another big move,…..before I accepted.   When I got off the phone I danced all around the house with the dog following like i was the pied piper. 

  Now i just had to tell mom.  I didn’t know how to.  She had wanted me home.  And she had been asking if i had heard from the bank job.  I felt guilty and a bit saddened.  I knew that she really did want me around.  And she was really hoping that I could get a job near here so I could be close.  So how was I going to tell her that I was leaving again?

   I didn’t have to.  Her boyfriend had come home the next day after I had called HR again to ask a few more questions i hadn’t even thought of the day before.  He looked at me and asked “sooooo?”    I told him I had accepted the job in denver but didn’t that I would tell mom later.  I wanted to tell her when she and I were alone cause I thought i mite cry a little or that maybe she’d get irrate, like she does sometimes.  I can deal better with people’s fluxes better when it’a one on one.

   However, her boyfriend told her before I arrived for dinner.  And by the time I got her alone that night she gave me an angry mother look.  I told her sheepishly that I had gotten a job…in denver.  And then she asked questions in an irritated voive and told me she didn’t like me keeping secrets and that its not right to ask someone not to tell her something.  I was irked.  I never asked him not to tell and it wasn’t his place to say anything to begin with.  Whatever.

    So it didn’t go how I wanted, it wasn’t necessarily something i hadn’t expected.  Mom, irritated with me.  Yeah, that was familiar.  And she said she was glad I had found a job and a place to move.  And she was glad she didn’t have to front for a car for me.  And she was glad the dog was leaving.  Nice ma.  Love you too.

   However, later, when she came back downstairs she seemed a bit more cheery.  Told me my aunt still had people out ther I could maybe contact and that I would probably have a real good time. 

     Eh.  Whatever.  The point of all this is, well, fly with your own wings.  People may not always like it or understand it. but do what makes you happy.  I would not have been happy to settle own yet in ohio.  I would not have been happy to repeat the routine-ish job at a bank.  It’s just not me.  I’m glad for this job ad this opportunity.  I’m hitting the road again.  Spreading my wings and trying something new.

SOTD

You’ve all heard that proverbial “you can never go home again’ phrase, yeah?  And that bon jovi song about it.  

   Eh, well, I used to say that and think that.  I used to play that way.  But when it came down to it, I always thought I could go home again.  I always figured home was where my family was and my mom and if I needed to, I could always run home.  And so, wen things were getting tough, I figured I’d go home.

    Mom had been asking for months or maybe even a year or so, for me to come home.  I know she meant more like ‘home’ as within the same area.  Within a 30 mile radius, I’m sure.  But, I also figured I’d be able to move back into my old room till I settled that aspect.  I mean christ,  Half of my friends who aren’t married still live at home with mom and dad.    And that’s a generous stat.  It may actually be higher.  People here don’t seem to go places.

    As it turns out, however, You really can’t go home again.   Or, at least, I can’t.   And fuck, who was I kidding.  I’ve never been good with home.  My parents never had a good marriage.  They would yell and screa  and even as a child I knew that wasn’t right.  And it always seemed to happen (at least to me) that they fought like that whenever I got in trouble.  So, thinking 1.) thay’d be better off with me gone and 2.) that I didn’t want to hear the fighting anymore, I packed my little toy suitcase and attempted to run away, plannign on going to grandma’s house to lay low before figuring out my next plan of action.

    Then in highschool, when the divorce really heated thing up and I had a car, I often thought about leaving.  I was only held back by the responsiblitly of protecting my little brother and mom.  And one day, when I had finally had enough and was actually heading down the driveway, my mom called and asked if I could pick up my little bro from practice.  I pounded the steering wheel in frustration.  I had a clean break going there and picking him up totally fucked up my program.  I didn’t have to of course, but responsibility kicked in and picked him up. 

    I finally found peace in college and only came home for the holidays.  I would stay all summer, even when all my roommates would go home.   And then I went to California.  And then I went to Chicago.  So, I figured, it was safe to finally come home.  It was time to come home again.  So I did.  To find out that my mom had moved in a boyfriend.  Which was fine.  She had her life to live.  But now I find that the boyfriend gets run of the house. 

    My mom and I had a quasi sit down tonight.  She wanted to know what my plan is and told me that I need to get started on things and really work at getting a car so I can get a part time job at least and then an apartment.  Kinda hinting toward a shove out of the nest.   I know she doesn’t really mean it like that , but…

    And y sense of rejection goes to the extreme.  Maybe that’s just the way I am or maybe it’s how ive become, but either way,  when I feel a push or a pull, I run.  And we’ll go with the theories of physics here.  An object in motion will stay in motion until another force acts upon it.  Or the other one; an object at rest will stay at rest until another force acts upon  it . 

    Ive been an object in motion for a long time.   I thought home would be the stopping force.  But I guess I will continue in motion.    I will continue to run run run because it turns out, in my case, you can’t go home again.  Or at least, you can’t stay at home.  You can visit, but you better be one your way when the holidays are over.

SOTD

Oct 9 ‘08

Life’s a dance you learn as you go…..

   so the line from a john michaels montgomery song goes.  Heard it last night.  I liked it.  And it’s true.  I really liked the other line about maybe having to crawl even after you learn to walk and how things sometimes just blow up in your face.  Oh don’t I know how that goes…

    Also a fun thing, tasha and I got in a squabble yesterday.  *sigh* I love being home…

     The point of bringing up the song though..well hell. at this point it doesn’t matter.  I had it all written out and found that as I finished it, my comp had lost its stolen internet connection and all I had wrote was lost.  I was annoyed.

     So, I shut it all down and went shopping, running out the door without my house key (which is the extra key) and shouting back at my mom to keep the door unlocked.  

     She didn’t.  I got home tonight around 9ish and found myself locked out.  Fun.  I knocked. I called. I tried coaxing Kala to bark.  She didn’t.  Damn dog only barks for three things;  when she wants in (that’s a single bark); when she is scared (like the first night i had her from the shelter and we went walking past the scary St. Vincent DePaul Statue on sheffield and webster she went nuts at it and kept lokoing over her shoulder and out the window); and thirdly, when she decides she doesn’t like someone, and that is always random.

   You better believe the first thing I am doing tomorrow is training that mutt how to unlock and open doors.  She’s smart enough to learn and it’ll be the best thing she’ll know.  (watch it come back to haunt me.  SHe’ll just randomly let herself in and out.)

    Being locked out of the house is one of the many joys of being home.  And having an actual house that is amateur break-in proof is another.  I liked my shoddy apts that I could jimmy the lock with a credit card or reach through the gate to unhinge it and allow myself in. I miss the roommates that are up all hours and usually within 5 min of being there to let you in.

    But whatev.. My song line story is shot.  Along with my night of watching Supernatural and 11th hour and Ugly Betty. 

  Not only that, but now I’m worried about mommy.  I hope she’s just sleeping or out and not answering, or not hearing her cell.  It’s weird. But ok.  I’m out.

SOTD

Oct 7 ‘08

I didn’t realize it had been about a week since I last wrote.  I get that way though when I have alot to think about or am depressed or upset.  I fly under the radar.  Try to figure shit out myself.

    However, this has been a thinking hiatus. I’ve been scheming.   My one friend who wants to go everywhere, but never had the guts to actiually go and do it, finally grew some balls.  She told me, probably my third day being at home, that she finally took the last step to be a traveling nuse.  That she has aplicants out in hawaii, colorado, arizona and a few others.  She was waiting to hear back from hawaii, which would be a 6 month stunt, an she asked me, if she got it, if i would go with her.

    I looked at her and shook my head in disbelief.   “Now you ask me?”

     “I tried to call you before, when you were still in chicago.  That night I left you that text and voicemail”

   I looked at her shocked.  “I don’t listen to voicemails.  You know that.  And what text?  The one where you apologized for being a…what the hell did you say?”

   “A Debby Downer?”

    “Yes!  I was supposed to know from that?”

  “I needed to talk to you.  That’s what I wanted to tell you.”

    “Then why didn’t you text me ‘I need to talk to you’ or something like that.  How was I supposed to know from debby downer?”

      I wasn’t really mad at her.  But I just wished I had known this before moving back home.  Wish I had known I had an out.  Wish I could have told my mom I’m home but only for a little bit so she would have already known that I was planning on leaving again.  Wish I had known so I could kinda form a plan.

   But it wasn’t important.  If I am going to go withher, i’m going to go with her.  Nothing will stop that.  I have it in my soul to travel and I don’t know why.  I can’t seem to stay in one place and can’t figure it out.   

   Along with Tasha’s offer of 6 months of hawaii came a text from a friend of mine in denver.  I had mentioned I was back in Ohio and she said come out there.  Then this AM she sent me a text saying i am supposed to move to denver and crash with her.  I laughed and asked ‘just like that?  grab my dog and jump out there, no plan no job’

    I expected something to the contrary but she simply replied ‘pretty much. yeah’  I laughed and then consdered.  Denver.  Not a bad option to have. 

     And yesterday I playfully sent a friend of mine in Washington DC a text asking if they have any jobs out there.  He got back to me and asked if I was serious.  Said he’d put some feelers out there and to send him my resume.

       It was about noon before I sat down and pondered.  My past travels and friendships have opened up possible job and more travel opportunities.  maybe if I keep traveling I’ll find what it is I’m really lookng for and what I really need.  Which would be cool, cause I have no idea what it is.  

    But it made me smile.  That old stupid saying, when one door closes windows or another door or something else opens.  I guess that’s true.