SOTD

sept 30 ‘08

      Home again.  I would have  commented earlier but, well, ive been plagued by some kind of super flu that has had me knocked down for a bit.  Packing the truck was rough, but the ride was fine.  And then it was easy enough at home because there was four of us unloading the truck.

     But the first night home was odd.  I took all of my stuff up to my old room and just dropped it.  Said goodbye to my brother and then just kinda hid upstairs.  When I had been downstairs, my mom had made a comment or two alluding to irresponsibility and so forth.  And she said we’d have to sit down and talk later about cars and what was going to have to happen. 

    It kinda irked me.  All this time she has been asking and asking for me to come home.  And now that circumstances have warrented it, she kinda gave the impression that maybe this wasn’t what she wanted.  And granted, Im sure she meant ‘home’ as in the area, not back at home.  But I never wanted to be back in this area if I could have helped it.  And as she said those things, i began my brain turning and thinking how soon I could get out again.

   But later that night I was watching tv and she came down to talk.  She asked if I was ok with all of this and i brushed if off with a simple ‘yeah’.  Or I tried to.  My voice only squeaked because of this cold and then i became frustrated with that and it all kinda came boiling up.  My eyes teared up and mommy came over and hugged me.    She laughed.  

     “i know sweety.”  she said.  ” Life can be fun.  You never know what’s going to happen.  It’ll be fine.  We’ll figure this out.”

     And so we will.  Two years ago I was struggling to get my feet on the ground and find a home in chicago.  I figured that out on my own.  Now ive got a much wider base here.  It’ll serve as a great web for catching things i need, and maybe the bigger surface area will give a better bounce when i travel again.

SOTD

sept 25 ‘08

   I sold my couches yesterday to one of the new bar kids.  And i say ‘new bar kid’ because there has been a bit of an exodus at the bar lately.  A few of us good ones, myself and my roommate included, are leaving or already have.   Although it hasn’t really been dramatic enough to call it an exodus, it still had a decent effect.  They hired about 10 new girls. 

   I didnt really think about it till later today but i handed off my couch like one hands down a torch.  The girl i sold them to is like 23, just moved to the city and seems fairly decent.  She’s a nice girl. A dancer.  Wants to open her own company.  And i hope she does.  I hope she doesn’t get trapped. 

    Our bar seems to o that; trap people.  I feel that only the one that have a strong will to actually achieve more leave. 

   But that isn’t always easy.  All the new girls have been easy to like.  And for some reason they seem to like me.  I dont get it but they have made my last few weeks at the bar more fun.Here’s the kicker though.   I was helping this girl move the couches and we were having aa good time.  Like i said, all the new girls are fun.  They could easily be people i could call and hang out with.  More so than the stoop kids.

   That’s always how it goes when you leave.  It seems right when your on the edge,  all set to go, you find peeps that may be great to stay with.  right when your on the edge and youve talked yourself into the jump,  you find a good reason why maybe you shouln’t

    Before i left cali, it was a modeling job.  Before i left c-bus, it was a marine i was dating.  now, when i’m all set to leave chi-town, it’s a group of friends ive been wanting all along.

    You can’t do that though.  You make a decision and stick to it.  Because all that wanting to stay may just be an illusion that would deteriorate within weeks after your leave date.  I think that it might be a mind trick.  That you subconsciously find something to hook onto.  Someone that needs or wants you. 

   But you have to follow your heart.  be strong and move along.  There are other people and places and eventually, i’ll find the one that fits..

SOTD

sept 24 ‘08

So last was my roommates last night in chi-town.  She headed down to orlando about 4 am this morning.  She came into the bar last night when i was working with a few of our friends, and then later a few more bar kids joined her.

But before she came in, we were dead.  So, my bartender and I did a shot…or two or three to entertain ourselves.  Then they finally came in and we had another shot.  Well, ok, there will be no need to repeat this or say it twice; I was a bit past drunk by the time my shift was over.

But n e way, when Andrea came in we sat around yapping for a bit.  Just hanging out for a last night.  I was just trying to keep it light, no emotional bullshit.  So i told her about a dream I had the other night.  I had watched Heroes and so my dream consisted of a guy that was like Syler who was cashing me, trying to kill me.  The only way i had to save mysel was to put him down (like a dog).  So I hadd to find a vet to do it for me.

So I told andrea about this dream and then went a step further to explain that the dream must have meant that i was sposed to go back to school to become an anecthitist.

“is that like an anethesiologist?”  she asked

I nodded.  “yup” I said with a grin.

She looked at the others and laughed.  “So you want to put people down?”  she thought abotu it for a second then nodded.  “You can do it.  You’re a smart person.  I thought about doing it for a while, but then i read about how people go into comas sometimes.  Like, you put them under and they never wake up.”   She looked up at me and giggled.  “what would you do if they never woke up? What would you tell them”

I smiled and shrugged.  “Ehhhh, they had a good run”

She cracked up laughing, as I had hoped.  And then the evening progessed from there.   My table service was only ok last night because i kept sitting down and hanging out with and drinking with my roommate and friends.  We got loud and goofy and had a good time.  One would almost have never known that Katie and I were actually working.  We laughed and danced (Andrea’s two favorite things; she has them tatoo’d on her ankle). We told stories and drank shots.

Then, at the end of the night, we said our goodbyes.  carrie hugged andrea and wrapped her legs around her.  Those two had been good friends and it was a fun farewell.  Then she and I hugged and said see you later.    we had been roommates and therefore decent friends.   I intended on sending her texts to say hi and shit, but who really knew.  I know how things really happen.  We may or may not stay in contact and I think she unerstood that too.  she knew I wasn’t an emotional person.

But the best thing I liked about that night was a potential story;  I have lived in california and they all knew I wanted to go back.  Andrea wanted to experience new things and California was on that list.  Carrie had an aunt out in Cali and really wanted to go and so did Katie.  So, it seemed like we all had a similar passion, a drive to be out on the beach in california.

I imagined us partinng ways for the next two years and then reuniting, like characters in a book, in Huntington beach, California in two years.   I had no doubt however, that I would be the first of us out there….

SOTD

sept 23 ‘08              “There are other worlds then this”

      Tonight is my rommates last night here.  She’s moving down to Orlando with a group of friends she grew up with.   Next sunday I move back to C-town, where there remain a bunch of friends I grew up with. 

   As mixed as my emotions are about all of this, my people here seem to be a little more mixed up.  Jenn yelled at me about it….I mentioned that the other day.  But she yelled again at me yesterday when my roommate and i were walking our dogs.  I should have known better than to answer.  But I did.

  “when do you leave then”  she asked after the initial cordiality of hi, how r u greetings and stuff.

 ”sunday.”

    That’s when she lay into me.  “Kido, you’re better than this!!”   I wrinkled my brow.  ‘better than this’?  i had no idea what that meant…

    “…better than this”  I asked.

   “I can’t believe your just leaving!  Go to texas then!!”  she yelled.

   “Dude, I’m not going to be able to stay at home.  You know better than that.  And I wanted to leave last winter.  I want to go back west.  You knew that.”   I pushed that out there, hoping she recalled that when i first moved here and in with her, she had promised when our lease was up she’d go to Cali with me.  She of course backed out and I so stayed here for two years.

  She calmed down.  ” I know.  But I’m just pissed your leaving.”  

   I was tired of talking to her already.  “hey yeah i know.  But i got the dog so i’m gonna have to call you back.”

   “Oh yeah.  call me later hun.”

yeah, sure thing.  i thought.   not if you’re gonna be like that.   

    And that was just jenn.  My other friend was going down a sentimental route.  He kept saying he couldn’t believe i was really leaving and he never thought that i would be more than a drive into the city away.  Kept asking me to stay an saying he’d miss me.  

   All nice stuff.  But, uh. well,  We never actually hung out that much at all.  In fact hardly ever.  We were more phone call friends.  We talked everyday but actually hanging out with him drove me crazy sometimes.  He couls be a little much, a little dramatic.    And also, I had only been in the city two years.  We had been friends before I had even moved here, so I didn’t get how he couldn’t iamagine me being out of the city….

    Joe was the best about it.  He was calm and casual.  Said he had liked that I was nearby if we ever wanted to hang out and that’d he’d miss that, but I was doing the right thing. 

     Another guy laughed at me and asked me what my weekly plan was then.  After I moved home, where was I going next.  He got me.  Knew I never sat still.  I laughed with him and told him i’d send him a post card.  Let him know.  

       It was odd though.  Everyone had feelings about my leaving but me.  I felt little if nothing about it.  Last night when the breeze was blowing and it was wonderful to be outside, and I could see my skyline, I thought about how I would miss that.  But I also knew, that in the Am, when it was hot and humid and the cars and cabs were rolling by blaring their horns and I had to walk 5 blocks to an over priced understocked stupid grocery store and my dogs stared at me wanting to do anything besides sit in a small square of an apt, I wouldn’t think of missing it so much.

     I recite a line to people who ask me why?  Why do I have to leave?  Why do I have to go?   I simply reply;  ” Because, There are other worlds than these.” 

     A few of my friends who I gave Stephen Kings Dark Tower series get it and shut up right away.  They can’t argue that logic.   The ones who haven’t read that book just shut up.  They don’t get it and just don’t know how to reply….

SOTD

Sept 19 ‘08

     So…I didn’t get that job I wanted.  The job that would be my lively hood.  The job that would keep me in Chi-town.   When I read the thank-you-for-the-interview-it-was-nice-to-meet-you-but-we-gave-the-position-to-someone-else email I wanted to cry.  But I couldn’t.  My roommate was home and I always have a good front.  So, I wiped my eyes and told her in a laughing manner that I didn’t get the job. 

      She came around the corner and said “whelp…what are you going to do tonight then?  Not work.  So come drink.”

    I hesitated.  I wasn’t sure.  I thought that I would want to take the time alone to cry it off.  But my roomate didn’t hesitate.  She disappeared then came back around the corner with a jello shot and a beer.  We ate the shots and settled in to drink the beer. 

   A friend of mine dropped by around 6 30 and we went for a walk with my dog.  We walked and talked it over.  The leaving verse staying options.   Neither sounded better or worse or easier or harder than the other.  It was about an even-even decision, which had made it harder to decide. 

  “That was why I had left it to fate,” I explained as we walked.   “I had stamped out the basis of it all and fate would take the rest.  I had flat out stated if I get the job I stay, if I don’t I go.  So, I guess I go.  I guess I’m meant to be somewhere else.”  I shrugged.  “everything happens for a reason right?” 

   My friend just nodded.  We had been walking for over an hour and had sdiscussed everything we could before I ventured to tell her that I hadn’t gotten the job.  I wasn’t sure I wanted to tell her I was leaving.  It seemed that when I said it out loud, it was real…and that sucked.  But we had laughed at how hard things were and how we had been so happy to have even meager paying jobs. 

   But in the end, my friend seemed to think I was still weighing options and told me to let her know what I decided.  I didn’t feel like letting her know I had decided alread, so i let it ride.  

    My old roommate called me today and asked the same question.  I told her I was leaving.  She got a little snippy. “I can’t believe you’re leaving!  I can’t believe you are really going!! When are you going?”

       “in like a week and a half…”

        “REALLY?   So soon!   why?  Are your financials really that bad?  od, why can I do it and yoiu can’t?  I mean I’ve got 2 huge credit cards to pay off and stuff too.  Why can’t you keep up?”

    I didn’t have an answer for her.   Or, more truthfully, I did, but it wasn’t nice.  She was like a drone, going to work and taking care of the people.     I couldn’t serve 6 days a week and still be happy.  It would make me miserable.  And how can I enjoy life and my city when I’m miserable?  I couldn’t and I can’t be complacent.  I want to be happy.   So I didn’t say anything.

     She ranted for a few more seconds then stopped.  “I’m gonna miss you.”  she confided.  “Who am I gonna play mario party with?”

    “I’ll be back…..” I offered, really thinking I meant it for a second.  Then she reminded me that I prolly didn’t.

    “No you won’t.”  She stated flatly.  “you’ll go west.”

    I remembered then that she was probably right.  I would go west.  I wanted to get back to Cali.   I would hunker down for the winter, pay off some bills and credit cards, pay down my student loans, then take off for another place.  And i usually didn’t repeat.  I did chicago.  Painted the town red one summer then stayed a summer longer than expected. 

      I remembered something that i once told my wingman that she had spit back at me several times.  “If you ever have the chance to throw somebody’s words back at them, DO IT”    Jenn had always been that person that said ‘everything happens for a reason.’   So, not in a mean way, I recited those words to her.

     “Well, dude, everything happens for a reason huh?  Maybe there is a reason for this all.”  It was a verbal shrug.  She got it. 

    “oh yeah, yeah.  Well, ‘m sure things’ll work out.” 

   I was getting tired of this phone conversation. Especially since it was down to one-liners.

    “I gotta go babe. I need to get ready for work.  I’ll call you later.”

    “yeah hun.  Later.”

I hung up and sighed.  Everything happens for a reason I reminded myself.  I’m free to roam again. ….everything happens for a reason.   Now i just have to see what he fuck that reason is.

SOTD

sept 14 ‘08

“My life is a disaster,” I groaned over my cell phone as I stared at the lake that was now in the intersection of Cicero and Crawford; a result of the hurricane Ike.  “i’m like Ike,” I realized.  “Instead of ‘I wanna be like Mike’  I’m like Ike.   A completely natural disaster.  I have all the componenets to make up good stuff…air to spread pollen and help germination, water to help growth and provide drinking water…except it’s all just in a whirlwind that destroys all things.  I-”

“stop.”  Joe interuppted my grovelling.  “your life is not a disaster.  Turn around and go back to the other road you were just on.”

I was trying to get my former car back to my friend in the burbs, but the non-stop rain from the past weekend had left I-57 shut down and 90/94 shrunken down to one lane.  Random floodings such as the one I was just staring at, blocked off other roads.  You would be driving and then just come upon a huge road block or massive puddle/lake in the road.

I had been in ohio for a wedding I wasn’t sure I was happy had happened.  But that was a story in itself.  I was back in chicago now, having rushed back so I could make it to a second interview for a job I desperately wanted/needed.   I was frustrated and tired and extremely anxious.   But I couldn’t do anything about it.  I had made a decision and now it was just a waiting game.  If i got this job, I would scramble and find a new apt before I had to be ot of the old one, and stay in chicago.  If I didn’t get this job, I would move back to Ohio, and get my feet back under me.  Save up some money, get myself out of some debt, and then figure out my next adventure.

A friend from home laughed at me.  She knew I was in a helpless spot and had no control over the outcomeand how much that killed me.  It did.  But still, what could I do?