SOTD

“

“I don’t know joseph,” I said souding exhasperated. “I just don’t know what im doin with my life, ya know?”

“i hear you kimmy.”

“like really, i’m about to just rol a die….like, one will be alaska, two can be cali, three will be texas, four; south korea, five; home, and six will be stay here. That’s about where i am right now.”

He laughs on his end of the phone, then he runs with me.

“you could do a lotter.” he offeres. I appreciate the people in my life that don’t always point out that i’m erratic. The ones that do someties run with my insanity and play along.

“A lottery?”

“yeah. Figure out the percentges, write them down that many times, and then throw them in a hat. What ever you pick out, go with.”

I’m silent as i try to picture what he means. He jumps in to help.

“so, here. Let’s say, Alaska is what? Maybe 5%. That the chance of you really wanting to do it is 5%?”

I concur.

“ok. so you write five alaskas and put it in the hat. Staying here in chicago is 30%?”

I agree.

“so then you write chicago 30 times and put those in the hat…”

I’m still a little confused. “so i write 30 things i like about chicago….?”

“no no no. You just write chicago on 30 pieces of paper. You write alaska on 5 pieces paper. You do the till you have 100 pieces of paper, or 100% representation, and ten draw out a paper and that is your answer.”

I get it now. I assign a percentage to each of my crazy destinations depending on how much i acualy want to do it, till i have a full 100% , then i write that percentage number on that many pieces of paper and drop them ll in a hat. So there would be 5 pieces of paper with alaska on it. I got i.

Joe muses a minute. ” i suppose you could just do 10 pieces of paper….it’d be the same thing really…(he throes in the statistcal term for it….standard deviation or something). But of course, i wouldn’t do this at all. It’s my life i’m talking about”

I hear him say that but i don’t really register it. “no! no i want to do all one hundred. This is y life. It’s importnant. I want it to be as accurate as possible.” (as if drawing words out of a hat is an accurae representation of life)

I get all excited. “ok jo ei gotta go! I gotta go do this. I’ll call you back.”

he laughs again and then lets me off the phone, telling me to call him when i have my answer. I promise to. We hang up and i dash out of my room and grab my new Sox hat. My roommate looks over at me.

“I need paper.” i xclaim. “I’ve figured out how i’m going to figure out my life!” i relate the idea to her and she ponders it for a moment. I watch her nervously, worried that she is going to say it’s silly. ” I was thinking of rolling the dice.” I offer, in case my idea is better than joe’s i want her to know I had my own good thoughts.

She nods in thought. Wel ok,” she begins. “how about this..”

“yes?” i look at her eaerly, with pen and notebook now in hand, and i perch myself in the armrest of the couch, ready to jot down notes, or the percentages she helps me come up with.

“Tell me about Cali”

“well, i got a friend out there that i could crash with.  but for only a little bit.  and i don’t know about the jobs out there -”

She interrupts before I finish.  “no.  I’m not liking cali…it’s a big move.  It’s an expensive move and its not n e cheaper to live there than here really.  Let’s cross off cali.  What’s this alaska thing.”

I explain i have a friend living and working up there.  He has an extra bedroom that he has willingly offered to me.  And he says there are job, jobs, jobs, lots of jobs.  but that whenever i look for one there, i don’t really see much.

She thinks about this, then asks about what id do if i stayed here.  Would i get another roommate or move to another apt.

i tell her i’d like a place of my own.  And i explain that i was really hit with the fact that sara has a two bedrrom place, with lots of space and a big back yard for just 500 a month.  I’m tired of paying 800 a month plus utilities for a box and no yard.  I want a place with space and a yad and to get what i want i ave to mov farther out of the city..or at least farther from the loop and downtown than i want.  I ddn’t move to chicago to live in the burbs or 30 min from the loop.  I minus wel move home if i want to live in the burbs.

She laughs and says she sooo gets where i am.  She is tired of chicago as well.  We’ve both been here two years and it’s kinda like, ok , been there done that.  Love the city and all, but there r other places to see.

she speaks alot of what i have been thinking of the city and i listen, relaxing and breathing more easy, since she does seem to get where i am.

“ok, i think home is your best bet.”

I cock my head, asking why she thinks that.

“well, itd give you a chance to regrou, like you say.  And see family.  And u stay at home, get your money in order, get a barjob _”

I cut her off right there.  “nah ah ah.  I coulnd’t do that”

It’s here time to tilt her head.

“bartending is cool and fun when you’re somewhere esle.  At least you r out living life and having fun and seeing things.  But if i go home, i know people from highschool and kids i grew up with, and if they come in it’s like ‘hey, what r u up to these days…..bartending?’  with that tone of voice…”

She nods.  “oh yeah.”  she gets what i’m saying.  She knows how itd be.

“well, what about this texas thing then.  What about your friend there.  Would she let you stay with her for a while?”

“yeah, absolutely”

“ok…OK!”  she ssit up straight in her excitement.  “ok this is hat you should do..Move al your things home.  You know.  Get all your stuff back to your moms, get some money under you the last few weeks we are here.  Then,  take about two weeks to fly down to texas, stay with your friend, and look for jobs.  If you find one, then you can move down there.  Get your stuff and drive down, or if you don’t need alot just fly.  Or, if it doean’t work out down there, then you just go back home, no worse off.  You just fucked around for two weeks, that’s all.  no big deal.”

Her eyes shine with brilliance, and from the weed.  I smile.

“yeah!!  That works great.  That’s a great idea.  It’s about perfect. “

She stands up to get ready for work.  “it’s just my opinion.  I think it sounds great too, but i’m stoned, so who knows.  But, i really think that’s your best bet.”

I agree as well.  I love the idea.   It seems like the perfect solution.  I walk easier for a few hours, feeling a huge weight lfted from my shoulders.

Then i tell the wonderful idea to my friend who is convinced that i don’t have bad luck.

“that’s a stupid idea.”  He says flatly, crushing my peace.  “In fact that’s a horrible idea….”

My anger flares at him.  All ideas that dont have staying in chicago as the basis are horrible to him.  Sometimes i don’t know why i tell him my plans because i know it’ll just lead to him saying its dumb and me defending it and it’ll just be a pointless circle that leaves me more exhausted than before.

I hold onto my idea, andreas idea.  it gave me peace of mind.  It made me happy.  I liked it.  And i know arguing with him is pointless.  When it comes to the time, i’ll make the jump no matter what.  Usually without a word.  I smile a devilish grin in my head.  Maybe next time he calls, i’ll be answering the phone next to the pool at my mom’s, drink in hand, sun on my body, dog by my side enjoying the big yard, and i will be loving life.

bad idea.  Psh.  He can ick my ass with his ‘bad idea’ talks

”

SOTD

so that friend of mine continues to insist that i don’t have bad luck.  However, i’m pretty certain I do.  Last week I helped a friend of mine move to Texas.  Doing so,  I missed my call in day for my unemployment.  So, now i am Totally broke, except for the bar job.  Which helps, for sure.  But it is alot harder to make rent and bills with out the UE.   Then, when i got back, my computer died.  So now easy access to the internet to find another 9-5 job.  And if that wasn’t the peak, wen i tried to call on my next available date for UE, I was told I had to refile all over again.  So, hopefully I will receive the rest of my UE so i can survive.

But (there is always a ‘but’, or an ‘also’, or an ‘on top of that’ with me)  my lease is up at the end of Sept.  My roommate is jumping to Orlando where she is taking another bar job and living with close friends of hers.  I….don’t know what I am doing.  I think ive given up on the teach in South Korea job.  Its too hard to get my dog over there.  And although I have had people offer to watche her for me for a year, my dog would never forgive me for giving her up like that;  she’s alot like a cat.

  I have the Texas option.  Move in with my friend and sleep on her couch for a few weeks.  But that would just mean another bar job for a while and more uncerainty.

   Here’s is where i have started leaning though the last week or two.  Home.  They say you can never go home, and i refused to for as long as I could….that’s a lie.  I could still refuse.  I could still go to texas or cali or south korea.  But i’m tired at the moment.  Tired of going week to week.  Tired of missing my mom and brothers.  Tired of not having my close friends, the ones who really know me, right within a 5 min drive.  I need to regroup. 

   Everything needs to be refueled.  Cars need their tanks refilled; batteries need to be recharged;  circuits need to be reset.   Ive been go-go-go for about 4 years, longer if you count college, and i am about burnt out.  I need to go back to my home place, sit by my moms pool for a few weeks and breath.  Ive been screaming for a breathe for the past few months and i really think i am on the verge of making that jump home.   Then we will see where i get to jump after a rest.

SOTD

rockk star Sigh.

I ranted last night to my friend that i have decided that i have the worst luck.  he laughed the calmly stated that i didnt have bad luck, I-

I didn’t let him finish.  “dont have bad luck! what would you  call the past 6 months? and the finger?  I lose my apt, my job the dogs get hit and now my finger!” my voice rose and squeaked with emotion, finally giving out on the word finger.

He laughed again and then sympathetically (but still with that undertone of humor in his voice) reasoned that yes, that sucked, but it was just a bad run.  Things were going to get better.

And, i would have loved to tell him that he was wrong this morning….but i dropped my phone in a puddle….because i couldnt manuever it safelt into my pocket with my swollen stupid finger.

This is not really what i had envisioned my life being at 26.  I really thoguth id was going to b a successful busy city career woman.  I was on track to be either a lawyer or a vet and then life got in the way.  Choices were made and hands were thrown up, and here  am. 

And still, im not ready to complain about it.  Its frustrating sometimes, and stressful, but i always have stories for people.  When ever i ask my friendsfrom home who have those lifes i had previously envisioned what they are up to, or what’s new, they kinda grunt and say ‘oh not much.  work has been busy and i havent had time to get away.  im a little tired and a bit bored.  what about you.’

And that’s when i take a deep breath and ramble in to all the things that have happened.  Of course, by the time i’m telling them these stories, i have perfected the edge of insanty in my voice, and i have completely gotten down the perfect times to slow the story or take a breath for reflective pause.  I always get the laughs i want.  (the need for this attention i blame on being the middle child; middle child syndrome..)

so, i guess even though my life is a  mess, i always have something going on.  It keeps me on my toes and keeps my intrigued.  I’m not ready for that other life yet i  guess.  But believe me, when i get the chance to settle down, I am going to really appreciate it. 

 I will happily snuggle down inot a plush couch by the fire place, kiss my boyfriend goodevening, tell kala and her new sibling (i will have another dog one of these days) how my day at work was, call my mom and brothers to let them know im sitting at home doing nothing, and then go to bed at sometime around 1 Am (that still being an early bedtime for me) 

rock star When friends ask me what ive been up to, i will answer without that typical drone, that have been up to absolutely nothing.  that my life has been reassuringly routine.

SOTD

So, a good friend of mine has been trying to help me find a job here in chicago.  And i have really appreciated it, i have.  But i dont know if its my throbbing finger or the fact that im just frustrated with everything, but i have been snappy and irate with him.   He’ll call and try to set something up and I just kinda say ’fine. whatever.’

There r times when im ok.  When i put on my game face and enjoy the moment.  When i still like being in the city.  But then when he callls and starts talking jobs and interviews, i get annoyed again.  I remember where my life is at this moment.   And it sucks.    But its nice of him to try and help.   

I guess the thing im really hoping for is this South Korea job to come through.  I know its a bit fantastic, but itd be something.  Something id need right now.  And if i do get it, things will happen fast.  I will be leaving in October.  Which would be good, because id have very little time to get scared and back out.  

I find out tuesday, but till then, Im going to enjoy my time here.  I really love this city, im just not having a good time right now.  Ill be back to it at some point, juts not now.

SOTD

Standbyme    They say every member of a disfunctional family has a purpose.  i know growing up i learned that a scapegooat is one of those positions.  I only remembered that because i was a good scapegoat.  There was also the fixer.  That wasnt the technical term, but there was that person that always tried to fix things and make things run smooth.  I was that person as well.  I didnt mind taking the blame as long as it made things quiet. 

Well, now i have a new disfuntional family.  But this one is different.  Its not the conventional disfunctional.  In fact, its a very functional disfunctional family.  We are a group of drinking, out of college, but not really employed kids.  We are 20-something, living in an expensive, fun-filled city, with random jos that pay rent, bills and a few nights out.  We dont have 401-K plans or retirement and our savings accounts (if we even have one) dont hold much.   However, i like this new family.

I joined this family when i moved in with my roommate.  And working solely at the bar helps.  But this family of mine drinks till all hours of the night and sleeps in till at least 11 am, but more typically around noon.  We have weekdays off where we roam the beaches, the streets, the stores and , of course, other bars.  We get wasted and cashed completely, and roll out of bed with only a trace of a hangover since we are bar kids and our tolerance is ridiculously high.  

But, there is little doubt we have a family resemblance.  We have the asshole, who, when some girl asks him for a light and he sks in return if he can have a hit, snatches the cigarette out of the girls mouth and walks away with it entirely when she sneers in response ” a hit? what? are you Jewish?” …..he is.

We have the sibling rivalry.  Two of our guys are both great at basketball.  The other day they were playing basketball and went heads up against each other.  It fired up to heated words and a bit of a standoff that only ended because it was too hot for n e other physical activity other than to finish the game.

However, its not just the bad in this new pride of mine.  We have truly familiar moments.  When my dog got hit, I was stuck at work, texting back and forth with my roommate, getting the info and letting her know what i needed.  That night some of the guys came in and the one who is sposed to be an asshole  asked me what was up.  I casually told him (as if it was no big deal) that my dog had got hit by a car.  He nodded and told me he knew, he had heard through the rest of the group, and he gave me a hug.  This was when i was still on the outskirts of the family, and it was actually a very appreciated hug.  Im not big on physical closeness, it actually makes me uncomfortable most times, but that night i welcomed it; i needed it.

We also have sports day.  Yesterday afternoon, 5 of us and three dogs headed out to OZ park.  we met up with two others and proceeded to play tennis, a baseball game, soccer and basketball.  The big thing about sports day for me though was the feeling of being part of a group again.  Of having a new pack to run with.  I had almost forgotten how much I missed that.

But it’s not all games.  We take care of each other too.  My roommate has come home before in tears.  She sat outside with her dog for about 15 min crying and then came in and flopped on the couch sobbing.  Its hard not to hear n e thing in this apt and so i heard her and woke up.  I was exhausted and had just wanted a long nights sleep, but instead i went out to the living and had a good three hour talk with her.  I’m not typically good at stuff like that, but i guess i was good at it for that night. Granted, she was wasted and i was sober, but still, it seemed to help her. 

My roommate on the flip side is a nurturer.  When drunk mostly, she wants to talk about things.  She’s been very open about her family history, but i never talk about mine.  She always tells me though that if i need to talk, she’s there; and that i dont always need to try and take care of stuff on my own; people are there to help and stand by me.   She really does mean it and i am tempted to let her in; but eh, I just dont know how to.

It’s not just my roommate and i though.  The hug from the dog situation is one example.  But, collectively, we work together as well.  And not just our little sports day group; all of us bar kids stick together as an extended family.  They act as the aunts and uncles and weird thrid cousins….twice removed, in some cases.

The other day i slammed my finger in a fence while playing tennis.  It has since swelled to twice its size and the nail has turned a disgusting shade of purple-black.  I worked today and everyone was asking about it and more concerned about it than i was.  At one point there were three bar kids and two regulars standing around me debating how i should take care of it. 

Popular opinion was that i needed to relieve the pressure under the nail by drilling a whole through the middle of it…needless to say i wasnt really up for that.  It sounded more painful than just letting my body handle it as it desired…fnger falling off or whatever.  Survival of the fittest, i explained.  If my finger falls off or i die of an infection, my genes just werent fit to be passed on.  Humans should allow for that more often.  I really think we need to cull the heard sometimes.

However, after getting a few nurses opinions, i decided that maybe id at least try it.  Maybe it could stop the horrible throbbing.  So i sat down at the bar and grabbed a safety pin.  When i realized i couldnt do it myself, one of the other girls took up drilling the hole while  another  graciously fed me shots of jameson till i was pretty damn drunk. 

 When my drill expert had a table sit down, my tennis partner took her place, instituting a different policy; instead of gently driling, he just applied pressure to the needle till i jumped and yelped, signaling that he had made it through the nail to the skin.  Then he ran his fingers along mine, squeezing, and pushing blood through the needle hole.

I sat there, taking it as long as I could then stood up, light headed and weak kneed, thanking them all for the help and the shots, and announed i was going home before i passed out.

At home my roommate continued the care, having me sit down, calling a doctor on my behalf for advice, feeding me another shot, a tylonal and a beer, and fixing a glass full of ice and strictly advising me to keep my finger in it.  she also forbade me to go out to the club with her tonight, due to the fact that i was close enough to pass-out-drunk already and really didn’t need more.

But, n e way.  Long story still fairly long, a family is what u make it.  This making this theory has a long history, and is not something im going to yap about, but just in case u urself r missing family, or ur biological family isnt want u hoped for…family is what u make it.  Its all around u.  And maybe its cause im still a bit cashed on the jamo, but i needed to let all that out.  Needed to appreciate my new pack.   That’s all.  Just sayin….

Aug 12.  Ive got a truck.

sara text me that this morning.  Surprisingly i was up and out of the house before 11 Am and i received it once i got home from the longass walk i took to return a stupid movie.   I sent her back a simple ‘got it’ thinking that’d be enough.  but she called, so apparently there was more info to be relayed.

We played phone tag for a few minutes then finally spoke.  She got herself a 16 foot truck to load all her shit in and move…and i was going to be driving it.  She would follow behind me in her car.

“wait, i have to drive a 16 foot truck all the way to fuckin texas by myself!!  you’re not even going to be in the cab with me?”

She starts cracking up laughing and i wait patiently for her to explain. “I thought about getting a cat to stick in the cab with you….You know, a travel pussy.”  She starts lauhing again and i get a bit hysterical.

“A cat!!   I hate cats.  What am i going to do with a cat in the cab.  I bet itd be a crazy cat that would claw the shit out of me….A carzy clawing cat in the cab!!” 

She really thinks thats funny. but finally she settles down and we start to talk business.  i mention towing her car.  hooking it up to the truck and towing it behind.  she ponders it then asks what we would do with her dogs if we towed her car.  (she has three dogs, and she figured on driving her car with them in it)   i tell her we’d just keep the dogs in the car.  She laughs again.  she thinks that funny. 

“what now?” i ask

“what?  do we just buckle them in?”   An image of four dogs each buckled in to their seats flashes across my eyes.  One sitting in the drivers seat, Kala sitting shotgun, and two others buckled in to the back seat on the keft and right.  I start laughing as well.  its a great image.   Then i start giggling about what it would look like to someone who was just passing us on the freeway.  I mean, what the hell would i think if i saw that?

We laugh and then settle down again to finish what needs to be talked about.  I tell sara to call about a car tow but she doesn’t want to….doesnt like calling people.   So i call for her.  The guy says there r two types of car tow; two wheells off the ground or 4 wheels off the ground.    I lay it out flat for the guy.  We are two girls driving across the country in a 16 foot truck; what would be the best way to go.  he suggests the four wheels one.  i agree and call sara back relaying the news.  She agrees as well.  

With that out of the way she goes back to trying to sell me on texas.  I’m almost sold.  Things havent turned around for me here.  So Y not?  yet, i talk reasonably with her.  i let her know im waiting to hear back from the interview i had the other day and i want to hear about the south korea thing before i commit to her crazed trip.  But, there is a good possibility that, if these things fall through, I will pack my shit up and move it back to cleveland in a matter of one week in order to jump on the texas train. 

She laughs at that, but knows its true.  That there is a good possibility that at the last minute i will be throwing bags of clothes into the back of her truck with a handle of Jack daniels and a wide grin on my face.  There is always that possibility with me.  I swear i have gypsy in my blood.