SOTD

So i think i’m out of my little funk.  ….I don’t write or do n e thing when i’m depressed.  So sorry.  I go underground.  Mostly because i don’t want to worry anyone.   You know how u can tell if something is wrong by the sound of your voice or the way you talk.  I can always tell when something is off with my people.   I know they all worry enough about me in general, I don’t need to give them an actual reason.  i just stay silent.

 

Also, i’m very quiet in person.  In times like this, my mind is constantly running.   How am I going to pay for these vet bills?  How am I going to pay all the other debts I owe?  What kind of 9-5 can I get? What do I want to do with my life?  Is this really my life right now; working at the bar and relying on tips and an uneployment check for my income?  What am I going to do in two months when my unemployment ends?  How will I support myself then?  Will I be able to get a job by then?

My roommate the other day tried to reassure me.  I had had a piss poor night at work.  Not money wise, but because people were wasted from a festival before they came to the bar and so they were just obnoxious, drunk assholes…and the girls with all their ‘can i have a water, with two lemons’ bullshit was not helping.  Hence, I was pissed within two hours of being there.  And that’s when alot of my re-evaluat-my-life thoughts starting popping up in my head.  Not to mention the irony of the storm  brewing outside.  Dark clouds, heavy winds.  And, around 12 AM a heavy heavy rain followed by lightening and thunder.  It was perfect.

I also had a table walk out on me, leaving the credit card slip with ‘Fuck You’ and their phone number written on it.  I could really have cared less.  It was a $50 bill and i could easily make that up in tips if need be.  Plus, i had already run their credit card, so, really, they had already payed.  Dumbasses.  (next time, don’t give your cresit card up if  you are going to walk out.)  But in a way, them walking out was a good thing.  It masked my sour mood and gave eveyone I worked with a reason for my bad way.  Everyone kept asking about the tab,  and saying, it’s ok, or giving me a story of one time when it happened to them.  I just listened and nodded.  fine. as long as they think that’s why i hate life right now, all the better. 

Paper Planes by MIA        After work that night i just wandered in the rain.  I needed to think.  I needed to figure something out.  Needed to figure out how i was going to change my life.  Because this just  wasn’t working out.  It was warm enough out and the rain would mask my tears if i wanted to cry.  Thinking that actually reminded me of that temptations song ‘i wish it would rain’ and i tried to remember how it started, and in the process forgot about needing to cry.  So i walked in the rain till I was about a block from home where  I realized i couldn’t go home, not yet.  My roommate had friends spending the night tonight and i wasn’t in the mood to walk in on a bunch of happy, drunk girls.  I turned left and walked down streets lined with the nice, big houses of lincoln park. fuck you i remember thinking.   you with your money and your big houses.  One day i’ll be there.  One day.  but till then, fuck off.

     I don’t know how long i walked for, but finally at one intersection i was forced to come to a halt.  I had intended on continuing my self loathing lope across this intersection and who knows how much further, but i couldn’t.  This massive rain had flooded the intersection.  If i really wanted to keep going, I’d of had to wade through a small lake.   I cursed under my breath. 

I didn’t mind getting my feet wet.  That wasn’t the problem.  The puddle had forced me to pause long enough to realize the symbolism of the position i was in. 

 

 

I could very easily turn right and just go home; but I didn’t want to go home.  Wasn’t ready to go home.  However, the road forward and even off to the left was blocked by an massive obstacle, way too large to  just jump over.  Going back the way I came just seemed pointless and redundant. I had already walked that way, why do it again?

So, I opted to just stand where I was and think.  Stand still in that pouring rain and try to figure out the next move; It was ridiculously sick how well this situation seemed to mock my life. 

 

 

 

My roommate the next day started off the morning with a sheepish look and a soft spoken ‘hey, i heard about that tab last night…”

I shook my head at her.  ‘That’s not even it.” i told her, my voice raspy and harsh. ( from being out in the rain for a while the night before)  “i could have cared less about the tab dude.  It’s just everything right now.  The tab didn’t even matter. Everyone thinks it did , but that had no play on it at all”  I shook my head again, my eyes were starting to burn that way they do before they tear up.  I wasn’t about to cry.  She had never seen me emotional at all, i wasn’t going to let a life crisis change that.

She tried to reassure me by telling me i had something good coming to me.  Good karma was sure to come my way.  “it has to dude.  You have had a really bad ….well,  6 months” she laughs after realizing that.  we both do.  It hasn’t just been a lousy week, or a bad night at work.  I have had a horribly unlucky 6 months.  She, being an optimist i guess, a person who believes in the best, is totally convinced that things will turn around.  That thay have to in order to even out the bad.  Me, i know that even though it’s bad right now, it still has potential to get worse.  I never seem to be able to get ahead.  Just when i’m about a month from breaking even or being able to pay off a bill, some shit happens; i have to lay down $600 for a security deposit, i lose my job and it takes 5 weeks to get my first unemployment check, my dog gets hit by a cab and i owe $1800 in a matter of 3 days for vet bills.

So, with everything the way it’s been, ive taken a few days to myself to think.  Not to mention rant and rave to a few select people.  Ranting and raving hides the uncertainty and doubt and fear.  So, i do that.  occasionally, my voice will break during a rant and i have to flow with it.  Run with it.  I will continue the conversation, forcing my voice to a little higher pitch with a bit of an insane edge.  it’s always good for laughs.  The person i’m talking to gets a kick out of it and they have no idea how close i was to just breaking down and sobbing.

But i’ve yapped at sevearl people and i have ahd a few ecisions to make.  First of which is whether or not i’m going to stay in Chi-town.  I tell my friend i want out of the city, that i’m losing myself and just need a place i can breath for a minute, a place with a yard, and where rent isn’t $900 for a little box, and where the saled tax doesn’t take the fun out of shopping.  He comes back with the solution of moving to the burbs.  Which is insulting.  I moved to chicago to live in the city.  To be a part of that life.  If i want to live in suburbs, or 20 minutes away from the city, i’d move back to Ohio and just visit chicago every few months.

No, when i say i want out, i want out.  I need some drastic solution.  So, my options are now, South Korea with a Teach-English-Abroad job, or Waco, texas.  A crazed, hectic move to Waco in three weeks when i helpmy friend move to baylor.  She is trying to sell me on the idea.  And i’m not too far from being sold. i just have to figure out a few things here. 

But those are the things that i have found to give me piece of mind lately (not to mention the little cactus I named Walter).  I could explain in further detail all he aspects behind these decisions, but like i said, ive ranted to other people about them for the past three days and i’m a little tired of hreaing it right now.  But if you feel like you can help me make a decision, then please, i’d love it.  Let me know and i’ll list off the pro’s and cons that i have figured out…..

  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Adventures of S&M

“Hoaah man.  This is no good.  No good at all.”  I groaned.  “This was such a bad idea.”

            Wild laughter from Sara.  “Do you have any idea how many times we have said that?”

            “Yeah, but dude, seriously.  We are in a jail cell.  In MEXICO!”  We are so fucked.  This really was the worst idea of all. God.  Why’d I have to go to mexico?”

            More laughter.  I let it go.  I just allowed that it was her way of dealing with this.  Just laugh it out. Sure.  Hoped it worked for her.

            “Worse than the shrooms?”

            I spun on her so fast in a half crouch, about to leap on her.   “shhhh!   Shut up!  I don’t think you should talk about that here!”

            She stood up and began following me in my pacing.   I began to grin a little.

            “Well, I guess I always did say that if I was ever arrested it would be with you.”

            She smiled back.  “Yes. You did.”

            I began to chuckle a little.  “Dude!” I said.  “That was awesome!!”

            She followed with the whole quote. “A good friend is someone who will bail you out of jail.  A best friend will be sitting next to you saying ‘dude, that was awesome’”

            I nodded.  But my grin slipped off my face quickly and I began my pacing.  “What do you think we did?”  I asked her.

            She shrugged.  “It’s Mexico. We are two stupid gringo chicas.  I don’t think we have to have done anything.”

            “Did you ever see the movie broken down palace or something like that?”

            “Don’t bring that up. Not now.”

            I nodded again.   

I resumed pacing mindlessly in silence, withdrawing into myself, running through all that we had done the past few days, trying to discover any reason at all why we might have been arrested.

            We had crossed the border legitimately with all the necessary identification.  I had even brought my social security card and birth certificate just in case.  We had obeyed all road rules and speed limits.  I was going kinda slow actually, trying to find the roads we needed, so it couldn’t be speeding…at least not that I knew of.  There had been some areas where we had never seen a MPH sign so we just guessed.  But even if we had been speeding, it wasn’t an offense that they would kill us for. 

            We had paid for the hotel rooms with a valid credit card.  I knew that.  It had been mine.  That was no crime.  Drinking on the beach was legal.  We had no drugs.  I ran through it all again just to be sure, be positive of that fact. Yup, no drugs.

We did have liquor.  Liquor wasn’t illegal.  We hadn’t bought it here though.  Maybe that was it? Was it illegal to bring liquor over the border?  Maybe.  But that still wasn’t something we could be killed over.

            We had been drunk in public the other night…but not really wasted.  We hadn’t been crazy or loud or anything….

            The more I thought about it the more sure I was that we had pretty good odds of not being dragged out and shot.  Unless we were being set up – oh god!! What if we were being set up!!  What if someone had decided we were going to be fall guys for some crazy crime!!  Something similar to Broken Down Place.  Some Pablo Escobar guy needed someone to take a fall and we were it!!

            Sara ran into me.  She hadn’t been paying any attention and I had apparently, literally, stopped in my tracks.  I noticed her glance at me, begin to think of asking something, then realize maybe she didn’t want to know.  She went off into the corner and hunkered down again. 

I stood transfixed in my spot.  That last thought had horrified me and now I

couldn’t shake it. In fact, it had indeed shaken me.  My hands were starting to tremor.  I started to feel the anxiety creeping in.  That anxious thirst that I got was beginning to wrap around my heart and take hold, tightening my chest.  My mouth watered slightly and I began to feel a need for something to drink.  The top of my mouth craved something, some kind of drink, but not water. 

I hated this thirst.  I had only learned to recognize it in the past 2 years for what it was.  An unquenchable thirst that came whenever I got nervous or anxious.  It started at the back of my throat and base of my tongue.  Then rest of my mouth went dry. So I would have thirst for something but water never helped.  I always needed something with flavor.  Half the time, the thirst itself would make the anxiety even worse; trying to figure out what the hell would stop it, or if it would go away.  It was the most bizarre thing, but it happened; Was happening.

A guard walked past our cell.  I caught him on the way back with a strangled noise from my throat.  He paused to look at me.

“water?” I queried hesitantly, then remembering where I was, “agua?”

The guard stared at me, then continued on his way.

“you ok dude”  From the dark corner.

I shook my head.  “I don’t know”

Sara stood up and came over to me.  “We’re going to be fine.  We’re always fine”

I nodded.  “I know.” I said, even though I didn’t at all.  “it’s just this initial scare that has me rattled.  Give me a few and then I’ll be golden.  I’ll break us out even….but I just need a few minutes to regroup.”

She backed off and I forced myself to start pacing again just to keep the guise that I was functioning.  I was almost together enough to crack a joke, one of those that would present a good front, when I heard foot steps coming our way.  The officer that had asked for our passports appeared in front of our cage.

“Michaels?”  he asked.

I stiffened.  A chill ran up my spine causing goosebumps on my skull and a visible shiver.  

“Michaels?” he asked again, looking at me this time.

I just nodded, clenching my jaw in angst.   

He nodded then unlocked the cell and put a hand on my shoulder, guiding me out of my safe block and down the dirt walkway.   I felt the same heaviness start to creep over me again.  I tensed my muscles trying to fight it off.  I wanted to stay focused, limber, ready to be able to spin and run.  I had no idea where he was taking me, but it couldn’t be good.

A sudden thought sprang into my head. Ahh shit, I thought.  What if I was expected to ‘buy’ our way out of this cell?  And by ‘buy’ they intended sex?  My breath stopped.  My face flushed red and a terrible heat rushed from my toes up to my ears.  What was I going to do?  Would it really buy our freedom? Doing something like that? Did I take one for the team? Would that save our lives?  Were our lives even in danger or were they just trying to terrify us so we would do anything? 

His hand guided me around a corner and we began climbing the stairs.  This is good I thought.  Upstairs.  Being upstairs was a step closer to the outside. It’d make the escape a little easier.

We hit the top of the stairs and my eyes darted around to find the door…Got it!! Had it in my sights.   Took a silent deep breathe, tensed my muscles again and –

His grip tightened on my shoulder and he grabbed my neck with his other hand.  It wasn’t a tight grip but it was forceful enough to drive me in the opposite direction that I had intended on going. 

Panic gripped me now.  My adrenaline had been flowing for so long and with such intensity and I had summoned it all together for that one giant leap for freedom. With my escape run foiled,  it had now all escaped again, flowing to the extremities of my body.  I started shaking badly and sweat began to cover my skin.  I felt like I wanted to cry yet some instinct wouldn’t allow it.  My eyes burned and I shook and I sweat, but I couldn’t cry.  Crying would cause a domino effect breakdown that would not help save my life in any way.

The officer stopped me in front of a desk and pointed to a phone receiver sitting off the hook. 

“Phone call”  he said, then walked to the other side and sat down. 

I stared at the receiver for a few seconds.  Phone call?  Phone call?  I didn’t get it.  A phone call?  For me?  Here?  I looked at him, but he was busy with some paper work already. 

Phone call?  I reached down slowly, as if this phone mite bite me.  It was going to do something, I was sure of it.  But what?  Did it explode?

Get a grip, dude. I shouted to myself.  This is a good thing. And if not, you can try to make it one.  You can try and call out for help.  Pick it up.

I brought the phone to my ear.  “Hello?”

“Keedo!!!”  crazed relief in the voice on the other line.

“Mom?”

“What r you doing in Mexico!!  Why didn’t you call me back!! I was so worried!!”

“Mom?”

“Oh sweetie!!   You didn’t call me back at all and I got really worried.  I called your brothers and Tasha and Marcus…..when Marcus said he hadn’t heard from you I asked him if he could just have you call me.  He called back and said you weren’t home and your roommate hadn’t seen you!! Baby, I called the police.  I put out a missing persons report….”

“Mom…” 

“They didn’t find anything for a whole day, but then they said they had a record of your credit card being used in Mexico…what r u doing in Mexico!!”

I brought a shaking hand up to my mouth.  I bit down on my pointer finger to help keep myself from crying.  The wave of relief and understanding was almost as intense as the fear and adrenaline had been.  So intense that my vision clouded with black and white fuzz. My head felt light. There was a thrumming in my ears. I dropped into a chair and lowered my head down to my knees.

“I’ve never been to Mexico….my phone died….I’m sorry mom.” I sputtered.

I could hear her start crying tears of relief over the receiver and it was too much.  Tears began to trickle down  my face.. 

“I’m so sorry mom.  I just didn’t think …my phone died and I didn’t think it…..I didn’t know I was a missing person…”

Mom started laughing at that.  “Yes young lady!! You had me soo worried!!  I didn’t know what happened or where you were or who you were with…”

“I was moving Sara to Texas –“

“Sara,?  I should have known….do you have her mom’s phone number?   God that should always be my first phone call…”

I smiled.  True.  She should have thought to do that.  But still….I was a missing person?

 “Mom, I’m really sorry..” I couldn’t think of anything else to say. 

“I know.  Just get back to Texas.  Right now little lady.  AND CALL ME WHEN YOU GET THERE!”

“Yeah.  Ok.  We’ll do that right now.  I’ll call you on Sara’s phone when we leave and when we get back to Texas.”

“Yes. You do that.  Get going now.  …I love you kiddo.  I was so worried that I had lost you…”

“Naw mah.  You can’t lose me.  I’m always somewhere”

“Good.  Now go.  CALL ME”

“Yeah, ok mommy…  I Love you too.  I’ll call you in a few minutes.  Bye”

            “Bye baby”

            I hung up. 

I glanced at the guard and instantly felt a wave of anger run through me.  Why hadn’t they just said something?  Was this a game to them?  Did they just not care?  They had found us and done there job and that was all?  I wanted to say something, but I didn’t have the balls to.  Besides, I would have wanted to say it in Spanish for more of an effect, but I couldn’t even form English words again.  There was also the possibility that swearing and throwing a fit would land me in the cell for real, and I wasn’t about to chance that. 

            I attempted to ask him some questions but just garbled the words and stopped speaking all together.  He stared at me for an instant before motioning toward the back corner, where our luggage had been neatly piled.  My jaw dropped.  They had brought all our stuff, like a hotel service.  Hotel service where they kept you terrified in a jail cell till your shuttle was ready. What the fuck, dude.  Really?

He stood up and went back down the steps.  For some ungodly reason I followed him back down there and even stepped back into the cell after he opened it and walked away.

            Sara had been standing at the gate and instantly grabbed my wrist.

            “Are you ok? What happened?”

            I shook my head, tears filling my eyes and began a manic mix of laughing and crying.  If she had never seen it before, Sara would have thought I had been tortured insane.  As it was, she just waited. 

I tried to get words out but all I could do was repeat ‘miss…miss…misss’ until I finally blurted out ‘missing persons’ before doubling over with total laughter.

            “What?”

I shook my head.  I couldn’t say anything else.  Those two words had been hard enough and It was still a minute before I could gather myself to stand.  I took a deep breath, held it, exhaled. Shook my head again then just grabbed her wrist, leading her out of the cell and upstairs.

When we mounted the last step I pointed to the corner where our bags were stacked.  Sara looked at them.  Stared at them with the same disbelief I must have had on my face.  She looked back at me.  I only shook my head and started toward the bags.  Sara followed silently. 

I holstered my two bags over my shoulders then went over to the desk of our evil officer. 

“Can we go?” I didn’t care if he spoke English or not.  I just wanted out and even just approaching him I felt would get the message across.  And it did.  He nodded, slid a piece of paper and pen over, then tapped his forefinger on a dotted line.

It was a release form.  In English.  I stared at it, then looked at him, decided again it wasn’t worth it, read over the paper quickly, but accurately, you didn’t want to be signing something to commit yourself, and checked to make sure Sara was on my six.  She was. 

It was a short walk to the door which I accomplished slowly, shaking my head the whole time.  What a fucking thing to do to a person.  It had to be funny to them.  I know that if I did that to someone I’d get a kick out of it.  But that didn’t mean that it still wasn’t cruel.  Cruel and unusual. We had laws against that in the US.  I needed to be back there.  Back across the border.

The sight of our luggage and the simple release form seemed to have stunned Sara into silence.  She didn’t say anything till we stepped out the front doors and saw our jeep sitting in the parking lot.  Then she squeaked.

I started laughing again all over.  It really was all I could do and yes, it was working well for me.  I laughed like a hyena while loading our shit in back, as I got into the drivers seat and the whole way down the street to the freeway we needed to get back to Texas.   

It would be another 30 minutes before I could tell Sara that we had been missing persons.  That my mom had put out a missing person alert for me because my phone had died and I hadn’t called her back.  How could you not laugh at that?

SOTD

So last night I came to the sad conclusion that my life is a country song.  You know how they joke about how country songs all whine that their wife left them an their dog died and their truck broke down and all that? 

Yeah. Change it around a bit and you got my life in the past 6 month;  I lost my apt. I lost my job and My dog got hit by a car.  I’m thinking about buying a guitar and setting it to music.  Sounds about right.

And i know ive been bitching about this whole dog thing, but its not over.  I brought her home from the one vet about 2 hours ago and already i called the ER and was about to rushher in.  She was acting funny again and i panicked.   But after a few she  seemed normal again and so i settled with laying her on the couch and sitting right here next to her.  Counting her breaths and (im sure to her annoyance) waking her up every 30 min. to feed her something in order to make sure she eats i.  Healthy Kala will eat anytime something handed to her.

last night at work, the DJ played that Puff dady song that he did in memory of Biggy. That Every Step You Take song.  I joked that i was going to play it at my DOG’S funeral when she DIES.  One of the girls was horrified that I said that, then played along, asking if she could come to the funeral.  I said yes, we’d have a procession and a band.  My roommate could say the eulogy. 

It was all fun and games till it cae time to call the vet.  I was stuck at work and needed to ask permission.  When asking my manager i broke down.  It was pathetic.  But so, here I am, watching my dog dream and knowing im in for a long sleepless night of semi-worry.  Dont you wish you could just fast forward life sometimes, a week or two ahead, just to get past the hard times and settle in with what may come?  I sure as hell do.

SOTD

lastkiss  I never lost a best friend growing up.  Never had to go to a parent’s funeral.  Nothing really dealig with death.  So i never knew how it would feel to lose someone in that way.  Especially in untimely fashion, when you weren’t expecting it.

And although for most people i’m sure it is no where near the level of lost as those stated above, or even to another human, i think i may be begining to understand how it may feel

My dog still totters on the edge of death.  She had to be rushed back to the vet this evening, well, yesterday evening.  (Around 6 pm tuesday,  I was at work and my roommate actually did the rushing, thank god. )

But my dog is really kind of all i have.   I made a habit of moving to different states when things got bad for me, and in the process learened that it was easiest to leave when you weren’t leaving n e one behind.  So i kept all new people at a distance.  I could make friends, but no where on the level of my originals and my kids from college.  They were surface friends.  Hang out here, go drink there, catch a movie randomly.  I would never talk to them about much else than the NOW.  They don’t know my past or of my family or of my other friends.  They just know what they get. 

When u live like this, you get lonely.  Yeah u can call your old friends, but its not the same.   Especially times are hard.  I have a certain rep for being strong and adventurous and free spirited, and so i try to keep that face.  They all say i make moving around look fun and easy.  It’s not.  But i guess they don’t need to know that.

So i got a dog.  adopted a dog.  I got something that needed me as much as I needed her.  Saved a bit of myself by saving a dog. 

She became my buddy.  The one i could talk to.  the one waiting by the door for me wagging her tail, or tucking her tail wen she got in the garbage.  The one who would look at me weird when i did something stupid.  …The one who slept in my bed with me every night and then one who i could lock in my room with me when i needed to hide from the world and cry.

 but everything seems so quiet now.  And my bed is empty.  I feel sick to my stomach and cold.  I can’t sleep or eat.  I want to break down and cry when i think about it. I want to hide and bawl my eyes out.  But i can’t.

There are things that need to get done.  Bills that need paid.  arrangements that need to be made.  so, i slip back into old tricks.  I put on a solid face, flash a few smiles, crack jokes and make light of the situation.  It works.   People are satisfied that i’m ok.  I’m not, but i have to be.

I just can’t imagine of this was a friend or human family member.  I made kala my family.  I had my own little thing going there for a bit.  I’m not ready to let go.

Story of the day

Yesterday morning my dog got hit by a car.  Yesterday morning being around 3 am Sunday. 

It was one of those times where circumsatnces just line up right.  There are rarely n e cars around at 4 am. And it isn’t very often that she actually finds the rat.   But that morning, she scented out a rat and it was still there.  It took off across the street and so did she and right at the second a cab came round the corner and….

It was horrible.  There was s sickening plastic crunch of the bumper and my baby yelping and skidding about a foot in front of the cab.   It all happened in seconds but i remeber it clearly and in those few seconds i remember being horridied that i was about to go kneel in the middle of the road and hold my dog as she cried and died in my arms.

I was in tears instantly.  As i started over to her at a bit of a unsteady jog, she rolled to her feet and came over to me.  She was hunched and limping and her tail was tucked.  She whimpered a little and wagged her tail alot like she does when she gets in the garbage and knows she is going to be yelled at.

I dropped to me kness and kept asking if she was ok.  The people in the can got out and came over asking if she was ok, if they could help.  I ignored them completely and led her inside where i called 411 to find an animal ER.  They connected me, gave me their address and i was out the door again, caoxing her along.  I stepped out into the road and hailed a cab.

The cabby took one look at the dof and started arguing with me.  “No dog” he kept saying.  I ignored him, yelling back that she just hit by a cab, and we needed to go.  Then i just loaded her into the back seat, not having the capacity to hear n e more.  The whole ride i kept telling her she’d be fine, hold on she’d b alright.

Once we got to the vet my  tears stated again.  I barely got out that she had been hit by a car let alone  n e thing else. They took her back and I sat down, awaiting the horrible news.   I have no idea how long a waited till finally the doc called me into the exam room to show me x-rays.

Nothing was broken, but her lung had been bruised.  They needed to keep her over night to make sure it didn’t get worse. i just nodded.  My next worry was how to pay for it.  I kept thinking, ‘i’m just a kid, i don’t have a thousadn dollars saved to just throw down.’ 

Then i would remember that i wasn’t a kid at all. Plenty of people my age were responsible and had real jobs and did have money to just throw around.  I should have a real job.  I should be more reponsible.  I needed another full time job.  I needed to put money into savings.  I had a child now and things like this happened.  It wasn’t just me n e more.  My puppy would need me to be an adult. 

Thank god I had worked that night though.  I threw 200 in cash at her as a deposit and she allowed that.  Arguing with a hystericaly upset girl who smelled like whisky at 5 am was apparently against her better judgement.  Just take the cash and let her leave.

I went home and cried myself into exhaustion, then cleaned the whole apt.  I wasn’t going to be able to sleep.  I needed a distraction.  I cleaned and cleaned till i felt sick.  Then i sat down and watched tv till i got a phone call from work.  Apparently I was supposed to be at work, so I ran in.  I sat at work till around noon, then called the vet. 

Kala wasn’t getting n e better.  Her bruised lung was worse, more clouded in the x-ray.  I just nodded on the phone.  Call back at 6.  Maybe she could go home then.  But no.  At 6 they said they needed to keep her longer, call back after midnight if i wanted, if i was up.

Oh, I was up.  I was waiting out each minute till I could call again.  Then at midnight they said she wasn’t n e worse, but she wasn’t n e better.  They wanted to keep her over night.  Pick her up between 7 and 730 AM. I agreed.  I stayed up another few hours then slept till 6.  I crawled out of bed exhausted, but thinking uch more clearly.  I grabbed my check book and a cab an dbrought my dog home. 

The vet had told me that she was still a little worried about her lung and that I should take her to her regular vet so that she can be watched for the next few hours and have another x-ray.  I didn’t have a regular vet.  I had adopted her from the shelter less than a year ago and we had only gone to a vet then to get heartwork  medicine. 

They ER gave me a vet to call and when i got her inside i called.  They were closed till 9.  It was only 7.  I sat by her side for the next 2 hours. worried sick and shaking, jumping to the phoone everytime i thought her breathing was being funny.  

I’m not sure how this new vet visit will turn out, but its all kind of odd.  It gave me an odd perpsective on how it would be to have a child.  Many people had kids by 26.  Just cause I still acted like a child myself…

But my dog was my world.  I didn’t realise it till last night.  I was so worried (am still worried) and she’s just a dog.  I didn’t even watch her grow up.  She was already 2 and a half when i got her last summer.  Now i’m freaked out and paying nearly 1000 for this dog.  This mutt.  This creature that strews garbage all through the apt, that whines at me when i’m comfortably watching tv and makes me go outsde in the cold.  A furball who sheds like no other and who’s hair clogs that vacuum each time we sweep.

But i guess i do love this dog.  And so, I will sit here till the new vet appointment, wondering how to pay for all this and make my rent.  I will figure it all out somehow.  But, in the ‘everything happens for a reason’ view,  I don’t see how this fits. 

Is it the wake-up call that i need to get another job?  That I do indeed need to grow up and be more responsible?  Eh, even if it isn’t,  that’s what Ive decided to do.  I’m stopping the drinking for a good few weeks, getting myself a savings account set up, and beginning a massive job hunt. 

All this because my dog chased a rat.